Alec and Magnus's Family and Parabatai Moments
by BlodreinaBeauty
Summary: Series of one shots for Magnus and Alec love. This is about Malec's relationship and many times and ways that they have been together. Malec family involving Alec getting hurt. The entire family, including their two sons, will need to come together to help him. Also including: Jace comforting Alec after the break up, Alec and Jace parabatai moments, Izzy and Alec sibling moments.
1. Chapter 1

**Alec is crying over Magnus. Jace finds him and tries to help him.**

Jace had felt a strange pain go through his entire body. Then he felt it again, stronger this time. It wasn't his pain. He had no reason to be in pain. It was Alec. He felt it again. It was almost like he could feel a limb that was cut off a long time ago. The pain was suddenly excruciating, right at the heart and in the chest.

"What is it?" Izzy asks.

"Nothing," Jace lies. He takes a bite of the strange sandwich Izzy had put in front of him. He chews it and feels more pain. This time the pain won't go away. It is a steady, terrible pain that makes Jace lean over in agony. Izzy puts her hand on him.

"What is it?" she asks. "You have to answer, Jace."

When Jace's terrified face looks up at his sister, she becomes equally as concerned.

"It's Alec."

"Is he hurt? What's going on?" she asks.

"He's in pain. I'm going to help him. I'll be back. Don't worry about it, Izzy."

He isn't going to stand this pain anymore. He makes his way back to his room. He knocks on the door a few times but hears nothing on the other side. He knows Alec is in there. He knows that Alec is in pain. He guessed that he wouldn't want help.

"Alec, come on," Jace says through the door.

"Give me a second," Alec says.

"Don't give me that. I can feel your pain, Alec. Let me help you," Jace demands. He can hear shifting on the other side of the door. Finally, the door opens a little bit. There stands Alec. He has on sweatpants and a tee shirt that is too small for him. His face is red and his hair is messed up. Jace can even see a tremor in his hands.

Alec shouldn't be shaking. Shadowhunters don't shake.

"Alec?" Jace asks.

He shrugs.

"Let me in," Jace demands, pushing the door open. He closes it behind him but Alec is already trying to avoid Jace. He sits down on his bed facing the wall and puts his hands in his lap. His shoulders are hunched and his body language is weak.

Jace can still feel that constant pain in his chest. He wonders how terrible it is for Alec. Jace punches Alec in the shoulder but it doesn't do anything to him. He doesn't even react.

"Come on, Alec," Jace says. "What's going on?"

He doesn't respond. He sniffles, wipes his eyes off and bites his lower lip so hard Jace can see blood dripping from his lip. Jace sits down beside him and puts his arm around his brother.

"Alec," Jace says.

Alec shakes his head, fighting the pain back so hard he is afraid that he will never feel anything again. Jace squeezes his arm a little bit more until Alec finally leans over. Alec puts his head on Jace's shoulder. He feels so many things at one time that he eventually has no control over any of it. Jace takes his brother's weight.

"Alec, what's going on?" Jace asks. Alec sniffles but then lets go of his lip. Jace feels him as he starts to shake and shatter. He cries as hard as he has cried in a long time. Jace can feel his parabatai's pain so strong that the emotion pushes on his own chest and eyes.

"Magnus," Alec mutters.

"What about him?" Jace asks. He knew that something was wrong. Why didn't Alec just tell him?

"He…broke up with me. I told him everything and he realized that I lied. He said he couldn't take it. He told me that he could not forgive me anymore."

"God, Alec," Jace mutters, squeezing his arm around his brother a little tighter. Alec breaks further, crying and burying his face into Jace's shoulder and neck, pushing it as far as it could go so he couldn't be seen.

"Come on, Alec," he says. "It's not that bad."

"Yes it is," he mutters. "Jace, I tried to take away his life. I wanted to shorten it because I couldn't stand the thought of him being without me. I don't want him to fall in love after me. That's so selfish."

"No, it's not, Alec," Jace says.

"How would you know?"

"Alec, you are not selfish. You love him, right?"

Alec lets a small sob escape as he nods his head. He pushes himself up and walks toward the window. He crosses his arms over his chest as his shoulders shake and more tears fall down his face. Jace puts his hand on his brother's shoulder but Alec refuses to turn around.

"Alec," Jace demands.

Alec shrugs him off.

"You are no selfish. Do you love Magnus?"

Alec's head drops and his voice sounds terrible, far away and cracks in horror as he responds.

"Yes."

"You love him and you know that he loves you. You know that you wanted to be with him forever. But you realized that his forever is longer than yours so he would fall in love again. I couldn't imagine thinking about that," Jace says. "You're allowed to be sad."

"No, I'm not. I'm the terrible person. I'm the one who did this to him. I deserve his hate," Alec mutters.

"Okay, fine. Maybe. But not mine," Jace says.

Alec turns around with tears on his face and pain written all over his shaking body. He doesn't break again but this time Jace decides he doesn't deserve this. He puts his arms around him in a hug. The pair hug for a long time. They feel the others pain as they hug. They hold each other close for a long time, Alec resting his head on Jace's shoulder and Jace using all of his strength to hold his brother up.

"Alec," Jace mutters. "You'll be okay."

"No, I won't, not without him. I love him, Jace. I love him with everything that I have and he threw me out. I don't know what to do," Alec says as he breaks.

Alec and Jace sit back down on his bed. They look at each other for a while before Jace comes up with the final solution.

"You need to apologize to him and then you need to prove to him that being with you is worth it. Alec, we don't want you to be hurt anymore so you need to solve this," Jace says.

Alec nods but it doesn't fix his horror.

Alec lays down on his bed and curls up. It is so strange to see such a tall man trying to make himself so small. It's terrifying, even to Jace who is not scared of anything. But he hates to see his best friend looking like this. So fragile and scared.

"Alec, we're going to figure this out together," he promises.

His brother doesn't say anything in response. He has given up on hoping for a resolution.

"We are going to solve this," Jace promises. "I'm not going anywhere, brother."

Jace stays until Alec falls asleep.


	2. Magnus and his Father

**This about Magnus and his father. After/during Season 3 episode 10. I would love some prompts for Malec content if you'd like to give them! Enjoy!**

"Magnus, talk to me," Alec demands. He has been so distant since he saw his father. Alec knows something is bothering him. He just has to talk to him about it and he can help. Alec leans over, placing my hand on his chest. He turns his head to him with a sadness in his eyes that Alec needs to rid him of.

"Please," Alec begs.

"He told me to apologize to him, Alec."

"What?" Alec asks.

Magnus's eyes turn to his boyfriend. His face is sad and his eyes are already swimming. Alec puts his hand under his button up purple shirt, just barely touching his skin, letting him know that he is here for his boyfriend when he needs it.

"He told me to apologize for him because he was the one that showed me how to be who I am. He said that I was ungrateful and that I did not appreciate him. He said that I should have stayed with him, learned from him and then become like him."

"No! That's ridiculous! Of course you shouldn't have had to be with him, Magnus. You shouldn't have had to learn from him. You made the right decision," Alec says, getting angry with his boyfriend. But this is not what Magnus needed. He needs love and compassion and care. He needs someone to take care of him.

Alec realizes that when Magnus's face does not look relieved. He looks upset. He looks more upset than he did before. He presses his lips together and then leans over, toward Alec. They put their foreheads together and close their eyes.

"He isn't worth worrying about, Magnus," Alec promises.

"I know."

Alec leans close to him for a long lasting kiss. It leads to Alec unbuttoning his shirt slowly, pulling down each button and then pushing the sleeves off of him. The necklaces dangle onto his boyfriend's chest as he lays on top of him, kissing down his runes and tracing along his neck and collar bone.

"Wait," Magnus says.

"What?"

"I just…I want to…would you mind if—"

Alec brushes his hand against Magnus's lip. He smiles a little and lets Manus lay beside him, brushing his hair and tracing his fingers down his neck and spine carefully, always with a soft expression on his face to assure his comfort.

"I thought I was the one who was alway unable to talk about my feelings?" Alec says with a smile. Magnus returns with a very small smile but it is not what he was hoping for. He wanted more than that. He thought that maybe he could make Magnus feel okay for a few moments.

"Just ask Magnus," Alec prompts.

"Hold me."

Alec's eyes water without provocation. He is unable to speak. He just nods. Alec pulls him close to his chest. Magnus rests his head on his boyfriend, wrapping his arm around his waist as Alec wraps both of his around his entire body. Their bodies intertwine, their legs lock and their hands fiddle with each other.

They do this for a long time in complete silence merely feeling the other person with them. But then it all comes down at once. Alec can feel tears on his chest. He can feel Magnus' body shaking against his own. His hand grabs his boyfriend as hard as he can. He cries, holding onto him. It takes a lot for Alec to attempt to hold it all back too. Hearing Magnus crying makes him want to do the same. His face becomes sore before slow tears fall down his cheeks.

"Magnus," he whispers. "It's okay. What's making you so upset?"

Magnus doesn't answer. He can't. His body hurts too much. His head hurts. His eyes are sad. His entire body feels as if it has given up. He squeezes Alec closer.

"Magnus, please tell me."

He nods. Alec gives him time as he begins to speak.

"I didn't want to give up my magic, Alec. I didn't want any of this. I just wanted you to be safe."

"I am safe and so are you," Alec promises. It makes Magnus feel the tiniest bit better but it is not enough.

"What else?" Alec asks.

"He wanted me to join him, Alec. For a brief moment, I thought about doing it. I thought that as long as you and Jace were safe, I could do it. I could stay down with him and you all would be okay. But I couldn't. I was so afraid of him. I wanted to be home to you so badly. I couldn't handle being alone anymore."

"Magnus, you were right to what you did," Alec says.

"But what if I wasn't? Giving up my magic…it's like giving up a part of me. Alec, I don't know who I am anymore."

"I do. I know exactly who you are. You're Magnus Bane."

"The warlock," he finishes in a sad but angry voice. Alec does everything he can to make him feel better but the more he talks, the more he feels like he is making it worse.

"No. My boyfriend. The love of my life. The man that I want to be with forever. Without your magic, your ability to change things, you are a man. You are an outrageous, confident, beautiful man that I love very much," Alec promises, bringing tears to his eyes. He smiles at Magnus when he sees a happy man return his expression.

"I love you too," Magnus says.

"Do you want to tell me what happened with your father when you were a child?" Alec asks, leaning toward his boyfriend. Manus nods but then lays his head down onto the pillow. He puts his hand onto his boyfriend's shoulder so they can hold each other close while he talks. It makes him feel a little bit better than before.

"I was alone. I had nothing. I knew no one. But he took me in. Osmodius told me that I was going to be someone. He told me that I was going to earn a position at his side and I was going to be the greatest warlock there was. But then I started to realize what he was doing. It wasn't long before he started taking advantage of me. He made me do terrible acts of magic. He made me learn the darkest part of magic. When I finally escaped him, I realized what I had become and left to become everything but that."

Magnus pauses. The pair stare into each others eyes with a look of shared fear and sadness.

"Sometimes I wonder if what he did to me is still on my soul. Maybe I am imprinted with hate and fear just as any devil child should be," he says with anger, tears running down his perfect face.

Alec reaches toward him, putting his hand to the side of his face and kissing his cheek gently.

"No. That's not true at all. You are a good person, Magnus. All you ever do is good. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. When you make them, you are always good. Better than me."

Magnus doesn't say anything at first. He doesn't want to. He wants to consider whether he believes his lover or not. After a long moment, he just accepts it to be true, though he doesn't believe it is.

"I love you," Alec says.

"I love you too."

"Can I hold you?" Alec asks. Magnus leans up to look at Alec's body and then back to his eyes.

"Actually, I was thinking we might do something else…"


	3. Chapter 3

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	4. Jace and Alec Cry

**Alec finds Jace in his room right after the incident with Clary and him. Yes, this has to do with the show. I don't like the show or much of the casting but hey, I like this premise of emotion between Alec and Jace. Please review. You can give suggestions if you want! Thanks!**

"Jace?" Alec asks. The older boy walks into the room with a protective layer of fear over his entire body. He spent the last hour convincing Magnus that he wasn't going to die and finally consoling him when he really broke down. But he knows that his need to fix the men in his life will not stop with his boyfriend tonight. Jace is in too much pain for him to ignore it. He can feel it in his bones.

When he enters the room, Jace is on his bed with his head in his hands. Alec closes the door behind him and steps into the dimly lit tragedy that is Jace's room. Pictures of Clary are all over the floor. There is broken wood splashed against the bed frame and a few random objects that Jace must have thrown around.

"Jace?" Alec asks in a tone so deep and serious, he scares even himself. This time Jace does look up but won't turn to Alec. He rushes to the window, looking out of it and putting his hands closer to his face. Alec tries to look at him, to see what he must be hiding but Jace refuses to turn around, even when his parabatai's hand reaches his shaking shoulder.

He is in nothing more than a grey tank top and dark pants. His blades are sitting around his room. He doesn't even have his shoes on. He was clearly upset and just trying to go to sleep. Obviously, that did not work out.

"Come on, Jace. It's just me," Alec begs.

"I'm glad you're okay, Alec. Izzy told me you were but I just want to be alone right now," Jace says. His voice doesn't sound as terrible and broken as Alec had expected it to. Instead, it sounds hidden, as if he is hiding something very important from Alec. But he can feel it. The thing that is wrong that is twisting Jace into something terrible that is filled with fear. It is twisting Alec too.

"Jace," Alec says, putting his hand to his shoulder. Jace doesn't try to move away. "I just want to talk to you. I've been talking to Magnus and to Izzy and even to Clary." At her name, Jace's breath hitches, as if holding back a sob. Alec closes his eyes, wanting to slap himself for saying her name but then he thinks on it. He should talk about her. He should let Jace grieve her. He won't grieve her with anyone else.

"I talked to everyone but the one person I really wanted to talk to. Jace, I wanted to talk to you. I missed you. I was scared for you. I wanted to know what was going on. I just…Jace, please. I'm your brother and your parabatai. Just talk to me. You're the only one I really want right now."

Jace turns around. His eyes are filled with water and his face is red from holding his breath. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth is pulled into a painful expression. He holds his hand out. Alec takes it and pulls his brother into a very tight hug. Finally, after so much pain and so much time, they can both let it all go.

They cry.

Neither think about what it means to themselves. They only cry for the other person. Jace cries for the pain Alec felt when he was alone. Alec cries for the terror Jace felt when he had to stab him. Jace cries for Alec thinking he would never have his brother back. Alec cries for Jace having to be trapped in the head of another.

They cry.

They hold each other and let everything go. Alec had never heard Jace cry like this before. He knew that he held a lot in but this feels terrifying. Jace doesn't decide to hold anything back. He wants to feel it all because he deserves that much. When he was inside of the owl, never able to do what he really wanted or needed, he grew more desperate over time. Now that he is out, he feels like him but also like someone else.

"I could feel what I did, Alec," he admits. "When I was stabbing you, I could feel it. I could see what he was doing. It was so much torture, Alec. It was so bad."

"I know, Jace," Alec says, sniffling and leaning back. He tries to pull away but Jace pulls him back, yanking on his body and keeping them close in their hug. Alec puts his head down on his brother, letting himself rest there.

"It's okay. I've got you."

"I am so sorry, Alec. I hurt you. I hurt Magnus, therefor hurting you again. I taunted you. The things that he said…he was using my memories to make fun of you, to get to me and to you. He knew how to hurt me and by the angel, Alec. He hurt me so bad."

"Sh, Jace." Alec squeezes him a little tighter, wishing there was a rune to talk his mental anguish and pain away. He longs for a rune like that but can't think of anything to help him other than his words. They have to talk about it. "The owl said…your…"

"Your boys crying, you know?" Jace finishes.

Alec nods.

Finally, Jace lets go a little bit and wipes his face off, looking to Alec and taking a deep breath to calm himself enough to talk.

"I was," he agrees. "I tried not to. I didn't want to give him that satisfaction but it hurt so bad. I tried so many times to end it, Alec. I tried to kill myself so many different ways and it never worked. When you came, I thought she was going to have me kill you."

"I know. It wasn't you that tried to hurt me, Jace."

"Before that," Jace says. "When you were in my head. When you found me. She had me kill you once before. When I saw you again, I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I killed you, I wouldn't be able to go on. To feel my rune ache, to feel our link get sick and die. Alec…"

Alec grabs Jace's arm before he loses his balance. He looks awful. He looks about ready to break again. He brings him over to the bed and sits down with him, helping Jace lean back but never losing their link, always bonded.

"Right now, every time you're hurt, I can feel it," Jace says. "It's like our bond is electrified. I can feel everything you can feel."

"I know," Alec says with a small nod, squeezing his parabatai's hand. "I can too. It might've been because our link was in so much pain. We were both hurting so badly. It's healing us together."

Jace nods, liking that answer. Maybe he will heal and things will be better. Maybe he won't hurt so damn much all the time. Maybe he'll feel better. Maybe he can go on without her.

Without even thinking her name, an image of Clary goes into his mind. It's so powerful and terrifying that tears fall from his eyes. He quickly turns his head away from Alec and wipes his face off. But Alec smiles a little, slightly amused by his poor attempt to hide his emotions.

"Jace. I can feel it too. There's no point in doing that right now," he says. Jace nods, looking back at Alec, hating it but knowing that it's true.

"I'll stay here for a while," Alec promises.

"I missed you, brother," Jace says, putting his arm out to Alec.

"Missed you too."


	5. Jace's Nightmare

**Jace has a nightmare about hurting Alec. Alec is still in his room and talks to him about it. Review please!**

His brother is standing right in front of him. He is uninjured, unhurt, perfectly fine. He presses his lips together, looking at his brother and staring. Alec. It's just Alec. Jace reaches forward to touch him, to pull him into a hug, to get to him. He just wants comfort in his parabatai. That's when the knife goes in. The knife enters his stomach. Jace can't stop himself. He stabs Alec twice, three times, again and again.

Alec watches with such pain on his face he can't hold it back. Not pain from the stabbing but pain from the person wielding the blade. Betrayal. Complete and utter betrayal. It's terrifying.

"This is your fault," Alec says. "Why would you do this to me? Your fault!"

"Alec! No!"

Then he wakes up.

"Alec," Jace screams. "Alec!"

"I'm here! Jace! I'm right here!" Alec shouts back, grabbing his arm. He shakes his arm violently, to get him to look in his direction. Finally, Jace's eyes fall on Alec.

"Alec?" he asks.

Alec nods and puts his hand on his back, sitting close to him. He puts his arm around him when Jace leans closer, resting his head down. Jace's shoulders are shaking, his body is almost convulsing, feeling so much fear, it is scaring him.

"Jace, it's okay," Alec tells him.

"No. It's not. It's not okay. I killed you. I broke your wrist, I choked you, I stabbed you. Alec…I was going to kill you and now I see it in my dreams. What I was going to do, I can feel it all the time, Alec. I can see it all the time and it terrifies me. What if I hurt you again? What if something happens and I have to—"

"Stop. Just stop. Jace you are not going to hurt me. You never hurt me. It wasn't you. I never thought it was you, Jace. You shouldn't have to think about it any of it. I'm right here. We're fine," Alec promises.

Jace shakes his head. His eyes are so red, his face so pained that his shoulders hunch over and his body throbs.

"Jace," Alec whispers.

He doesn't look up. He doesn't even turn his head. He can't manage to think long enough to complete a coherent thought. All of this thoughts are of pain and terror. He only knows this pain. He can only see himself hurting Alec over and over again. Then it's not just Alec. Then it's Clary. He had been waiting so long to hold her in his arms, to let her hold him, to let her heal him after all of this time. But it never happened. Then she was gone and he could never feel that comfort again.

Maybe he can find some of it in Alec.

"She's gone," Jace says.

"I know."

"She's gone. I loved her. I could finally be with her and she's gone," he says in a fitful of crying.

Alec doesn't know what to do. He never liked Clary but he liked how brave she was. He liked that she wasn't afraid to get the job done and he loved that she made Jace feel safe and human again. After everything he had been through, at least he could look forward to holding her. And now he has no one. He truly is alone.

That thought hurts both of the boys so badly, they groan. Alec bites his lip to keep from scaring Jace but Jace does not have the will power to control such emotions so he calls out in horror.

"Why can I feel your pain like this?" Alec asks.

"I don't know," Jace says.

"Do you think this is permanent?"

"I hope not or that's going to get really awkward for me when you go home with Magnus tonight," Jace says. It was not as good as one of his regular jokes but it is enough to make Alec smile for him. At least he can remember who he is. At least he can remember to joke around, even though his heart feels like it is being ripped from his chest.

"Alec?"

"Hm?"

"Do you have nightmares like that?"

"Sometimes, yeah," he says with a shrug. "Why?"

"How do you get out of them?" Jace asks. Both boys relax on the headboard of the bed, with pillows behind their backs, knowing they must look a wreck. With half assed smiles on their faces, red rimmed eyes and shaken bodies, they are a terrible sight but at least they have each other, if nothing else.

"Magnus usually wakes me up."

"She used to do that for me, if she were with me," Jace says and then looks to Alec with hand behind his head. "But then how do you make the pain go away afterwards? They linger."

"Distraction," Alec says, unsure of how else to say that.

"So sex," Jace says.

"Pretty much."

The two boys laugh again. It feels good to laugh with each other, to relax, to just be. They haven't been able to do that in a very long time. Though their fight is not over, their grief is still so present, they think that maybe they will be able to heal.

"There's another problem. I don't know how I'm going to do this alone," Jace admits. Admitting it is hard but he just wants to tell Alec everything after not being able to feel or talk to him for so long.

"You aren't alone," Alec assures. "You'll never be alone again, Jace."

He nods.

"In that case, will you stay a while if I go back to sleep?"

Alec agrees.

"I think I'm gonna catch some rest too," he says. The pair lay back on the bed, resting their eyes and eventually falling asleep beside the other. And though they are not physically touching, every moment that they are together, they can feel the other one, knowing exactly what it feels like to have them there.

It is true: they will never be alone again.


	6. Magnus Guilt

**Magnus and Alec have loving sex after the ordeal with Jace's emotional episodes and Clary's supposed death. Yes, Rated M. Yes, Lovey. Enjoy!**

"Magnus?" Alec asks. He is standing not far from the candles he lit outside. He thought that it would be over for him but his grief is clearly deeper than Alec had thought. He puts his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. Magnus turns around with a small, sad expression. He puts his hand on his chest like he usually does but this time, he's shaking.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing to bother yourself with," he says.

He tries to walk away but Alec grabs his hand, pulling him back. Magnus nods, looking to Alec when he is pulled toward his boyfriend again. They both stand there, waiting for the other to say something and staring in complete fear.

"It's about tonight…about Clary," he admits.

"Talk to me," Alec begs.

Magnus nods and pulls him outside, holding his hand so tight, Alec wonders if Magnus might break without the support. When he turns to him, Magnus looks as if he is hardly holding himself together. Alec tries to touch his face but the older man holds his hand instead.

"Talk to me," Alec insists again.

He nods.

"She's gone. I had a bond with that little girl when she was young. I was her friend. I was her protecter, though I didn't always want to be and I knew her well. I know she didn't deserve this," he says.

Alec nods.

"I know. It's awful. I can feel Jace's grief all the time. It's always there. I can feel him hurting. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be able to help him. When I was there for him today, I know he felt it. He was better but it'll never be the same," Alec says.

Magnus realizes that the tone has changed to Jace, which is exactly what he wanted to talk about…sort of. But he doesn't know how to bring it up. So instead of bringing it right up, he leans closer, putting his hand on the side of Alec's face.

"You have to give him time. Remember to help him. Never let him be alone, Alec. It's good that your parabatai rune is so much stronger right now. You'll want to be able to feel him if he falls into the darkness," he says.

"Darkness?"

"If you lost me…could you imagine what you would be thinking?" he asks. Alec shakes his head. A cold shiver goes down his spine. His hands shake. He squeezes Magnus closer to him, not even realizing how terrifying that thought really is.

"By the angel, Jace must feel like he's dying," Alec mutters, almost to himself. Magnus nods, looking just as sad as his counterpart.

"Worse, Alec. There are fates worse than death."

They are both silent for a few moments before Magnus realties that he cannot keep this inside forever. He has to talk to him about it. If he is going to tell anyone, it has to be Alec. He feels so empty, so lost, so wrong without his magic. He doesn't even know who he is anymore. This doesn't even feel like Magnus.

"Alexander," he says in a controlled tone that is not lost on his boyfriend. "I feel like I'm floating in a new body. Everything is different. You'll have to be patient with me as I'm finding myself again."

"You were patient with me when I found myself," Alec says with a smile. It doesn't make Magnus smile but it is enough to lighten to the mood. Alec puts his hands around his neck, pulling him so that their chests press against each other as they stare. "I will help you."

"I trust that," Magnus says. "But you should know…I don't remember what it's like to be without magic. I've never really been without it. I don't know how to function like a normal person, anymore. I don't know how I'll act or who I'll be."

"That's okay. I know. You'll be Magnus Bane, a powerful, kind man with a heart of gold."

"I am not powerful anymore, Alexander. I gave up all of that," he says, turning around to face the wall. Alec moves so that he can turn his boyfriend around but he doesn't want to. He puts his hand on the shorter man's shoulder without moving anything else.

"You had no choice," Alec says, trying to make sense of the confusion that is running through both of them.

"I did actually. I could keep my magic and let Jace die with his demon, or I could save Jace and get rid of everything I have ever known, everything that made me who I was." Alec doesn't understand why he is suddenly upset about it, almost as if blaming. Magnus turns around with an expression of frustration. They stare at each other in pain for the other. "I did it for you, Alec."

"What?"

He looks bewildered. He had never expected this. This changes a lot in his mind all at once.

"I gave up my magic for two reasons: one, I could be with you completely without having to feel as if I was ever going to lose you for anything related to me being a warlock. But the most important one was simple." He takes a deep breath, almost as if this will be hard to say. "If I didn't give up my magic, Jace would've died, and if Jace would've died…you would have too."

Magnus turns back to the room. He walks through the living room and into the bedroom. Alec doesn't follow him. His brain is hurting. If Jace died, Alec would have been hurting, part of him would have died, part of him would have been gone forever, but he can't ask Magnus to give that away for someone that he doesn't like.

"Wait!" Alec shouts, following Magnus into the bedroom. He finds his boyfriend sitting in nothing but long purple and blue pants on the edge of their silk bed. Alec kneels in front of him, putting his hands on his boyfriend's and making him look at him.

"You didn't have to give that up for me," Alec says.

"Yes, I did," he says.

"Why?"

"I saw you when Jace died. I felt your pain. I watched you scream, I watched you fall. You were in complete agony. Your fear…it was like something was dying inside of you, Alexander. I couldn't let you live like that," he says.

"It wasn't your choice, Magnus. I never would have asked you to do that," Alec says.

"I know. That's why I did it. I need all of you, Alexander. If that means, giving up a part of me, I would be okay with that. I won't let you sacrifice your health, your best friend, your brother for my magic."

"I love you," Alec says.

Magnus smiles at him. Neither of them are going to get anything done here.

"I love you too."

Magnus leans close to him, trying to kiss him. Alec lets him. They kiss, bringing the other close for several seconds. Then Alec stands, pulling his shirt off.

"I want to be with you," Alec says.

Magnus kisses Alec's lower stomach. He pulls his pants down and then his underwear, kissing around his stomach before following that perfect v shape to his member.

"Are you sure Jace can't feel what you're feeling?" Magnus asks.

"No," Alec says. "But I don't really care right now. I just want you, Magnus."

Magnus takes him in his mouth, licking and sucking for just a few seconds. It is enough to drive Alec crazy. He grabs his boyfriend's hair, pulling it as he sucks him. He calls out after just a few seconds. He pushes him away and rids himself of his clothes completely, taking them off of Magnus so fast, it is a blur.

Magnus smiles.

"I kind of like having to take clothes off the manual way," Magnus says with a smile. It makes Alec grin back.

"It's sexy watching you," he admits.

Alec grabs Magnus and pushes him down onto the bed on his stomach. He kisses along his neck before holding onto his hand and inserting himself. They move together, groaning and moaning until Alec reaches around to touch Magnus.

"Keep going," Magnus begs.

It is clear he is already close. He pumps his hand on his boyfriend, moving him as fast and hard as he can until he is pushing his hips erratically into his parter.

"Magnus!" Alec shouts.

"Harder, Alexander."

At their highest level of pleasure, neither man denies themselves the needs that they require. Finally, Alec cannot hold back his orgasm. He scratches his partners back as he thrusts, calling out and gasping. Magnus is not far behind him. Though Alec's movements are strange, they are still fast and hard.

Just before he finishes, he calls out, "Alexander."

The men turn to each other, smiling, feeling elated, high and as if they are flying when Magnus laughs.

"What is it?" Alec asks.

"I do like being able to clean my sheets with magic."


	7. Malec Gets Carried Away

**Magnus and Alec are practicing fighting when Magnus decides they should have sexier plans. His dad interrupts. His dad acts more like he does in the books, not approving.**

"Keep your arms up when you spar," Alec reminds his boyfriend. Magnus does just that, leaning over to jab at Alec but he easily blocks it. Alec dodges his next move and grabs Magnus's arm, pulling him a few steps forward. Their chests touch, rubbing on each other. They look into each others eyes, their tension growing.

Alec kicks the back of Magnus's knee and then flips around, hitting his back so he falls over. Magnus flips his legs, tripping Alec so he falls to the ground with him. But this was all part of his plan. Magnus grabs his shoulders, holding him before he can roll and stand back up, which he knew he would do.

"What are you doing?" Alec says, looking over Magnus, holding himself up on his arms.

"Nothing," Magnus says.

Alec stands back up, turning around and bouncing on his feet, waiting for Magnus to do the same. He does after an eye roll and a dramatic hair flip. They spar again but it just ends with Magnus grabbing Alec's arm and pulling him across his body until they are pressing against each other again.

"You're going to make it very hard to spar in a couple of seconds," Alec says.

"Yeah, hard is the idea," Magnus says.

Alec shakes his head.

He tries to walk away from him but Magnus grabs his arm, kicking his foot out so Alec is now stumbling. It gives Magnus the ability to push him against the wall. They press against each other, leaning toward the other for a few seconds. Magnus leans close, his face just an inch from Alec. Their faces are about to touch, to kiss, to embrace when Alec tries to get out from his grip. Magnus laughs and grabs his arm too fast.

Magnus presses his hand against the wall by his head, the way they do in bed.

Immediately, Alec is hard enough that Magnus can feel.

"Success," Magnus says.

Their lips meet and lock, moving together just as they always do. They press against each other. Alec lets Magnus hold him back until he grabs his hands and flips him around, pressing Magnus to the wall this time and holding his hands back. He kisses him, pressing their hardness against each other.

Someone clears a throat not far from them. Alec stops kissing but doesn't dare turn around.

"Cover me," Alec says. Magnus smiles, almost laughing.

"I don't think I'd be much help, darling," Magnus says, looking down. With both of them extremely erect, nothing is going to be hidden. Alec tries to adjust his pants, still facing Magnus and hoping that will be enough. Alec turns around to find…

His dad.

Oh shit.

"Hey, Dad," he says.

"Son. Magnus," he says with an awkward head nod. Alec's face flushes but luckily his erection is gone so quickly it's as if it was never even there. He steps toward him, not sure of what to say and feeling like he might fumble over his words.

"What's going on?" Alec asks.

"I came to visit everyone. After Clary…I figured everyone would be in pretty sad states. But I am glad to see there is still some life in the institute," he says with a small smile. At least he seems like he is being genuine. Magnus finally joins Alec, holding onto his hand. "Though I do wish it were a slightly different outcome."

Neither of them answer to that comment.

"I asked you once if you two were in love," he says. "I think that answer might be a little different now."

"Yes," Alec says with complete confidence. "We are. And if you aren't okay with that, we don't need you around."

"I'm not okay with it," he says. "But I guess you aren't giving anyone a choice. You know it's not allowed, Alec."

"Alexander is aware of the rules," Magnus says. "More than anyone."

"Perhaps if you would've given yourself more time with a woman," he offers.

Alec almost wants to laugh.

"But a women doesn't make him feel the way I can. No woman is going to make him feel like I can. We are in love. That is not going to change no matter how many women you'd like to force upon Alexander."

Magnus begins to walk away. Alec smiles and takes his hand, walking back toward his room when he turns around with a grin on his face.

"Oh, and dad…I'm gay," he says with a smile.

Then he leaves.

When they are back in the room, Magnus grabs his face and kisses him as hard as he can, pulling his shirt off. Alec kicks his shoes off as they kiss, pulling each other toward the bed.

"What are you doing?" Alec asks.

"I thought that was pretty obvious," Magnus says with a grin.

"No, I mean. You had quite the reaction to my comment to my dad," he says with an equally as amused grin.

"I like hearing that," he says.

"What? That I'm gay?"

Magnus nods, raising his eyebrows. "Good. I'm gay…for you."

Their eyes lock and their bodies entangle, throwing themselves at each other. Once their clothes are off, Magnus leans down to touch Alec . It is just seconds before Alec is letting his head drop and his body throbbing for his boyfriend.

"Lay down," Alec demands.

Magnus gives him a confused look. They hadn't talked about it much but Alec had never done this on his own.

"Magnus, let me," Alec says.

He nods.

Magnus lays down on his chest and lets Alec mount him, crawling over top of him before putting his hands on his boyfriend's, pressing them into the bed. He kisses along his neck before reaching down between them.

"If you want, I can—" Magnus starts.

"No. Let me."

Magnus nods, waiting patiently. It just seconds before he can feel the warmth of Alec pressing against him. At first Alec drops his head, moaning and practically screaming. He tries not to move for Magnus.

"Does it hurt?" Alec asks.

"Just a little," Magnus says. He didn't want to admit that it did hurt and just how long it had been since he had been with anyone in this way but it felt good. It felt so unbelievably good.

"It's okay," Magnus says. "You can move."

He can hear Alec sigh in complete relief. He moves slowly, holding onto his boyfriend's hands and trying not to finish early. He had gotten good at making everything last, being with Magnus for a long time but this was different. This feels so different, so tight and warm and fulfilling. Alec was scared to do it before but now he wonders why he never has. He is almost begging for more.

"Magnus," he mumbles, burying his face deeper into his boyfriend. It is just seconds before he is tightening, his entire body clenching. Magnus can feel it too. Alec touches Magnus as fast and as hard as he can to make him finish together.

"Alexander," Magnus says. "It's alright."

He knows what that is supposed to mean. It is alright to come. Alec is glad he said that because he doesn't want to hold on any longer. He wants to feel everything he possibly can for this person. He moans, scratching his boyfriend and finishing inside of him.

"By the angel, Magnus!"

When he finally comes down from his high, he gaps and falls next to his boyfriend.

"Not done yet, my love," Magnus says with a grin. "My turn."


	8. Bleeding Parabatai

**Alec and Magnus are together when he realizes that his parabatai rune is bleeding. Jace is grieving over Clary.**

 **Please review so I can keep up these stories! Thanks!**

"Don't stop," Alec begs Magnus.

He doesn't. Magnus kisses down his boyfriends neck to his chest, trailing his hands down his body. Alec starts arching toward him, wanting him when something is uncomfortable. He tries to ignore it as Magnus pulls his shirt off. But the feeling just gets worse.

Then there is pain. Real pain.

He tries to ignore that too when Magnus puts his hands on his pants, as if he's going to kiss away the reaction. But the pain is stronger now. Magnus gasps as his kiss trail stops just before the good part. He looks up at Alec with concern and touches his side.

"What?" he asks.

"Alexander," he says in shock, staring at his hand that is now dripping in scarlet red.

"What is that?" Alec begs, grunting in pain. He looks down to see what Magnus was so concerned about.

His parabatai rune was bleeding.

"By the angel," Alec says in shock, touching it and feeling excruciating pain zip through his entire body. It is enough that he is shaking all over in complete confusion.

"What is happening?" he asks himself. He can feel Jace's pain but it's more than that. There is a different kind of pain that is making this whole thing more unbearable. He can't pinpoint what exactly is wrong with him. He doesn't know what kind of pain he is in.

"Something's wrong with Jace," Alec says, looking to Magnus with confusion.

"Maybe you should call him, Alexander. It looks pretty serious," he says. Both men move slowly, almost in shock. Alec grabs his phone and calls Jace but there is no answer. He calls again while Magnus presses some gauze over his rune.

"Ah! Stop!" he shouts in so much pain, even the slightest touch bothers him now. He grabs Magnus's hand. He takes it away, squeezing his fingers and waiting for Jace to answer.

No answer. One more time as Magnus gathers his clothes and hands them over. No answer.

"Damn it!" Alec shouts, clearly terrified for his parabatai and maybe even for himself.

They run together as fast as they can toward the institute. Alec calls Izzy on the way there but there is no answer. He has to remind himself that it is late at night. He and Magnus were in the middle of something but if something is really wrong with Jace, they have to solve it right away. Alec knew that something like this was going to happen. He knew that being able to feel him would make things harder, not easier for them.

But he never would have guessed that this would happen. His rune has already bled through his shirt after the first block of running. When he gets Izzy on the phone, he is practically crying with relief.

"Where are you?" he asks.

"Alec, what are you doing? Are you running? Is something wrong?" she asks, never listening to what Alec needs before she satisfies her own questions. Alec tries not to become angry but his bond to Jace feels different somehow, hurting.

"I need you to find Jace right now," he demands.

"What?"

"Find JACE! NOW ISABELLE!"

He feels Magnus put his hand on him but it does him almost no comfort. He needs someone to pull him out of this fear and that has to be Jace. No one else can help fix their bond.

"Alec, I need you to calm down," Magnus begs. But Alec can barely hear him. He is running toward his best friend, the one person that he physically cannot live without. Finally, he hears something on the other side from Isabelle.

"He's not in his room," she says. "He's not in the music room either. I don't know where else to look. No one is working except for the guards. I can't find him, Alec."

"I called him. He didn't answer."

"What's wrong with him? I mean, did you feel something?" she asks. Alec doesn't want to tell her. He doesn't want to scare her more than she already is. But he has to tell her the truth so she can help find their brother. He swallows hard, continuing to run and trying not to sound terrified or shaken, though he is both.

"My parabatai run is bleeding," he says.

"By the angel, Alec," she says.

"I know."

"I'll keep looking for him."

"See you soon."

Alec tries to find comfort in the fact that Magnus is with him, that he is not alone but it doesn't work. It doesn't matter. They run together until they reach the institute. He enters, pushing people out of his way and screaming for Jace. No one answers him. No one responds to him. No one knows where he is.

"The roof," Alec says. "Where's my sister?"

He doesn't ask anyone in particular. He asks everyone. He hopes that by doing this he might get an answer.

"Looking for Jace. I don't know where."

Alec nods, running upstairs and out onto the roof. Of course he would be up here. He always hides up here.

He finds Jace staring out into the night with a bleeding knife by his side. He is swaying, staring and not looking the least bit afraid. Alec walks cautiously toward him, feeling Magnus behind him. He walks until he reaches Jace where he puts his hand on his parabatai. He can feel electricity shoot down his body. But it is not the good kind. No. This is the kind that sends him to his knees.

"Jace. What?"

He is unable to form a sentence that makes sense.

"Jace," Alec begs.

"Alexander? What's going on?"

He can feel Magnus getting closer to him, scared for his boyfriend. He stands up, touching his run and realizing that it is still bleeding. Bleeding. The knife. Jace is bleeding? But why would that make Alec bleed?

He turns Jace around. He has blood covering his side, by his rune. Alec puts his hand on it, lifting his shirt and grazing his hands over the mangled flesh.

"What? What is this?" Alec asks. "Jace, what happened?"

Jace has tears on his face, blood on his body and a knife in his hand. There is not just blood on the knife. It is skin too. Flesh. What happened? Why would Jace try to put the knife to his parabatai rune? No. There is no way. He would never do that.

"Did you try to cut off our rune?" he demands, tears in his own voice. Everyone knows that Jace doesn't cry often, only when something is so bad he can't control his own body. But Alec? Has anyone ever seen Alec cry? No. Because when Alec cries, his heart is broken. When Alec, cries it is alone, sad in his bed, never in front of another. Maybe once with Jace but even then, it was never spoken about again.

Right now, Alec feels like his heart is breaking.

"Jace! Answer me! Did you try to cut out our rune?" he asks again, tears choking his voice and anger pushing through his entire body. That's why it hurt so bad. That's why he's bleeding.

"Jace! Answer!"

He grabs Jace's shoulders and shakes him, making him look at his parabatai. Jace presses his shaking lips together and nods his head. Alec feels like his heart is falling out of his body. He turns around, not able to look at anyone. He can feel Magnus get closer but never touch him. He knows that it won't help him.

"Why?" Alec asks, letting his body cry but wiping his face away before he turns back around, never letting anyone else know.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"No! You don't get to say sorry! Why the hell would you do that? You know you can't just cut it off, Jace? It's a bond forged forever no matter what you do to it! I can still feel it!"

Alec lifts his shirt up for Jace to see his bleeding wound.

"Jace, why would you hurt us?" he asks.

"I…I didn't want you to…I didn't want you to feel what I feel," he says. "For once, I knew that if I hurt it, just for a little bit, you wouldn't have to feel what I feel."

"Jace, why?"

"It was too much. You deserve to be happy and I knew that if you felt what I was, you couldn't be. It would be…excruciating."

Alec doesn't know what to do but then he looks to Jace, who has his arms laying down by his sides, his parabatai wound bleeding and his body hunched over.

He wasn't trying to cut it off. He was trying to damage it so they couldn't feel each other? That doesn't make sense but Jace was upset. Maybe he wasn't thinking straight and he really thought he would be sparing Alec. Alec looks to Jace.

"Sparing me from your pain?" Alec asks.

"I thought so," Jace says. "I didn't think you would—"

Alec rushes over to him, wrapping his arms around Jace. The brothers stand there for a long time, hugging, even crying and feeling nothing but love for the other one.

"I will not let you hurt alone," Alec says. "Don't ever do anything like that again."

"I'm sorry, Alec. I'm so sorry."


	9. Malec Dad

**Magnus talks about his father and the pain that he felt finding his mother and killing his step father. Alec tries to make him feel better but realizes he needs to learn to help him.**

When Alec wakes, he turns to his side to rest himself on his boyfriend, but he is not there. He turns his head, opening his eyes. It is still dark. There is a small light coming through the window. He can hardly see it. It is just enough for him to be able to tell that it is the moon.

But there is no Magnus.

He turns to the rest of the room, not finding him anywhere. He gets up, putting his boxers on and flipping part of his hair out of his face. He pushes the door open and finds Magnus with his head in his hands and his bare back hunched. He has on his grey and purple jeanie pants as Alec had said before. Magnus chided him on it but Alec secretly liked them.

"Magnus?" Alec asks.

His head perks up. He looks to his boyfriend. Fear flashes across his face, almost as if he's trying to hide it. He stands up and puts his hands out to Alec, holding him in his place. In the place of a fearful expression, a smile plasters itself on his face.

"What are you doing up my love?" he asks.

"I should be asking you that," Alec says with concern, putting his hand on the back of his boyfriend's head. He leans close to him, almost as if to kiss him. They exchange a very brief kiss but then Magnus leads him back to their room.

"Will you go back to sleep?" Alec asks.

He shakes his head.

"Magnus, come on. Things are tough for you, I thought you agreed that you wouldn't push me away," Alec says, playing with his boyfriend's hair. He kisses his forehead and wraps his arms around his waist. Magnus allows it.

"What's going on?"

"It's my father again," he admits.

"Instead of getting up and leaving, wake me up."

Magnus shakes his head, walking to the window in their bedroom. He stares out into the moon and stars. He stares at them for a few minutes, allowing Alec to put his arms around his boyfriend's back. He slips them across his chest and stomach, holding him close.

"I don't wish to bother you, Alexander," he says. "I thought I could handle it."

"And… could you?" Alec asks.

Magnus shrugs but rests his hands on his boyfriend's. They hold hands gently, staring out into the stars. Magnus takes a deep breath. He is shaking a little, out of his normal and uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" Alec asks, almost begging this time. Alec squeezes Magnus close. He can feel his boyfriend leaning his head back onto his chest, letting him hold some of his weight.

"My father has been plaguing my dreams. Not the kind of nightmares that make you want to shout out. The ones that trap you. Alexander, it felt as if I was trapped, watching myself kill my step father over and over again, watching my father praise me for it. He was glad that I had done this, given into my evil tendencies," he says.

"You don't have any—"

"Sure I do. I have them all, Alexander," he admits. "But I surprise them. I use my powers for good, not evil. But that does not mean that I couldn't do it. I could turn to evil so easily. I would not have to question my action."

"Of course you would," Alec says. "You would never turn away from us."

Magnus turns around to face his boyfriend. He puts his hands on his chest to look up at him. He looks like he is thinking about his next move or question deeply but he can't.

"I would never turn away from you. But I know that I have an evil man for a father. A demon who wants me to be a bad person. Sometimes, when I was younger and I gave into those tendencies, I thought that it didn't matter. If I had the power, then why shouldn't I give into it?"

Alec considers answering but he doesn't know what to say. That becomes obvious. Magnus puts his hand to his boyfriend and looks into his eyes, trying to find his answer there.

"I do not fear the dreams. I just fear what they could turn into. I never want to give into any of that again. I just want to be good enough for you…better for you than—"

"Magnus," he says, putting his hand to his lips, touching them gently and tugging down. Magnus doesn't pull away. He lets his boyfriend try to think it all through. When he doesn't come up with a conclusion, he takes his hand and pulls him to the bed.

"Let's rest, my love," Magnus says.

"I don't want you to hurt, Magnus. I want you to be okay. If sleeping is going to hurt you, then maybe we should do something else."

Magnus smiles.

"I am tired," he says.

"Then let me do the work," Alec says. Magnus doesn't argue when Alec starts pulling his clothes off. His pants are gone, then their underwear and suddenly they are on the bed together. Alec is laying his body weight on top of him, thrusting, holding his arms under his chest. They learn to move together quickly, never allowing one to feel more than the other. But in these moments, Alec makes sure he is going slow, watching Magnus, taking his time, making him feel it.

It is a few minutes of passionate loving, caressing and caring before Magnus starts calling out his name. He reaches closer, grabbing onto Alec's hand. Their hands intertwine, pressing into the mattress. Their faces press against each other. They move in unison.

"Alexander," Magnus whispers to him.

"I know," Alec says, reaching around to touch him.

They move like this for a few more minutes, Alec hoping that Magnus can feel the exact amount of pleasure that he is. Alec feels nothing but perfection when Magnus starts arching, calling out his name and moaning.

They finish together, feeling the utmost of pleasures together.

When they relax on each other, their bodies intertwine and tangle, holding each other with beauty and carelessness.

"I love you," Magnus says.

Alec smiles. "I love you too."

"I promise that if the dreams come, I will tell you about them. I'm not afraid of the dreams, but of what may happen if I follow an evil path," Magnus says.

"You won't. You'll have me to look out for you," Alec says. "To keep you on the straight and narrow."

Magnus smiles and Alec laughs in return. It is a sound so perfect and surprising that it makes Magnus forget all of the pain that his past created. He won't let them hurt him anymore. He can talk about it and move past it.

"Well there is nothing straight about anything happening in this bed," Magnus says, reaching down between them. Alec lets him, looking into his eyes as their close bodies start to become slightly closer.

"As for the narrow…" Magnus says.

"We'll get to it," Alec agrees.

They lean in for a deep kiss.


	10. Alec's Pain 1

**Background: Alec and Magnus are living together. After Lord of Shadows. Magnus is sick like the other warlocks but managing.**

 **Alec is hurt when he comes home. He attempts to hide it from his family but soon he discovers it is worse than he thought. Magnus, his children, his siblings and everyone around him just wants to help but he is determined to be strong.**

 **Alec's Pain.**

 **Chapter One.**

Alexander Gideon Lightwood is a proud man. Despite the soft side he has for his lover and the playful side he has for his children, he is a very proud man. So proud in fact that when he is injured in a stupid battle that he should not have been a part of in the first place he does not tell anyone. He rushes home, holding onto the wound on his side and running up the stairs to his apartment. He doesn't call Jace to tell him because Jace is busy being the head of the institute and anyway, he is afraid of what Jace would say given that Alec really should not have involved himself in that demon at all. After all, there were three shadowhunters there already. Magnus will know when they strip each other bare tonight the same way they do most nights after the children have gone to sleep. But he will give an excuse and kiss his lover so hard he won't think about it. He can't tell Izzy either. She would freak out and make him come back to the institute to get help. He thinks about telling Clary but she'll tell Jace and that only leaves Simon, which is out of the question. So he is left with no one.

Alec takes his shirt off carefully, biting his lip through so that he does not call out in pain. He tried two healing runes on the way here but nothing worked. His body is still in pain, barely dulled out at all. He forces himself to be quiet while he takes a look at the gash on his side in the mirror. His agony is clear all over his tensed and fearful body. He gets out a light blue soft wash cloth and runs it under the water. He wipes off the blood, biting his lip harder than before. Magnus is in the kitchen with the boys. He heard it when he came in. He's truthfully rather surprised that they are not coming at him with questions about his day yet.

Once the blood is wiped away, Alec's shaking hand tosses the washcloth out and examines it. It's deep: a large gash cut across his side and partly on his stomach and back. It hurts deep inside of his body but he tries to think of anything else to distract himself. He knows just how dangerous those thoughts can get. Slowly so that he does not call out in pain stupidly, he covers his wound with bandages, begging the Angel that it does not bleed through but knowing that is likely. After putting pressure on it and assuring it is not bleeding through right now, he splashes some cold water on his warm, sweating face and gives himself a few moments of relaxation to bring himself together. Alec tries his _iratze_ one more time but the pain is only slightly dulled. At least he does not feel like calling out and groaning every few seconds.

"My love, care to join your family?" Magnus calls from outside of their shared bathroom. "We'd love to see your handsome face."

"Coming," Alec responds, taking a deep breath. With a brave face, he exits the bathroom and squeezes his loves arm. Magnus is wearing a cat print robe and long dark shorts. Surprisingly, he does not have on any shoes and his eye make up is minimal today.

"Cosy day indoors?" Alec asks, kissing his cheek so that Magnus does not pull him in for a painful hug and give him away.

"Indoors: yes. Cosy: no. The children and I have been cooking all day. It's been a bit of lesson for everyone involved. At one point Max used a levitation spell to levitate the eggs and crack them by dropping them to the counter. Let's just say that cooking might not be his strong suite," he says but Alec is hardly listening. He is overcome by a bright white pain sensation all over his body, radiating from his side. He grips his own hand so tightly he leaves fingernail marks in his palms. Alec attempts to hold back any negative feelings and walks through to the kitchen with his love, pretending to listen.

"Daddy!" Max yells and runs over to him. Max grabs onto his leg and squeezes as hard as he can. Luckily he is not bit enough to actually run into Alec's stomach or side because he doesn't think he would be able to hold back that pain.

"Hey buddy," Alec says with a genuine grin. It makes him feel just a little bit better to have his son greet him that way. He always does. He greets both of his fathers with a happy exclamation even if they have only been gone for a few minutes. Sometimes Alec would come out from the bathroom, only been gone under two minutes and Max would greet him with a flying leap.

"How was your day? I heard Papa let you cook with him," Alec says, attempting to sound as casual as possible but the pain is starting to radiate to his chest and legs. He was not expecting it to be so gripping, so spreading. He attempts to hide it anyway, giving him a smile.

Max looks up with those big eyes, his hair falling through the horns on his head. Alec attempts to fix it, move it from his eyes as his son gives him a smile.

"We had a lot of fun!" Max says.

"Max had fun. I think I might have actually cooked something," Rafe says with a grin.

"What did you make?" Alec asks, hoping for any kind of distraction at this point. He is praying to the angel under his breath.

"Belgium waffles," Rafe says with a surprisingly happy grin. He holds out a display of fluffy waffles, whipped cream and fruit on a plate. He looks quite happy and proud of his display as he holds it out to his father.

"Impressive," Alec says with a smile. "That is actually one of the many things I am very good at making. I hope you used my recipe."

"Your cooking probably seemed miraculous in light of Isabelle's but I would not exactly call it incredible, my love," Manus says, giving him a pat and wrapping his arm around his waist. Alec jumps when Magnus gives him a squeeze.

"Alexander?" Magnus asks with a confused expression.

"Just sore," he says, shaking his head. But Alec pulls away anyway because the bright white light of pain that flashed over his eyes is getting worse. The pain is effecting his entire body now. It is making him feel tired and shaky. He walks over to Rafe, sitting down at the bar with him on a bar stool. He thought this would make him feel better but the pain is only worsening.

"Alexander what is happening?" Magnus asks again.

"Nothing. Really," Alec says, rather unconvincingly. "I'm fine. Let's eat these waffles."

Magnus seems horribly unconvinced. He watches his lover as Alec starts to sway. The pain grows until it is all over his body. He lets out a gasp when he reaches for a fork. He realizes that he cannot hold back the noises and he gets up from the chair.

"Daddy?" Max asks.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Rafe asks.

"I'll be back. Just give me a second. I'm sore from training," he says very quickly before he rushes back to his bedroom. He collapses on the bed and grabs a pillow just in time for the screams to become uncontrollable.


	11. Alec's Pain 2

**Magnus is concerned for his boyfriend but Alec does not want to scare the kids. He still does not know exactly why his** ** _Iratzes_** **are not doing what they should.**

 **Alec's Pain.**

 **Chapter Two.**

Magnus Bane was a very observant man. When it came to magic, he could feel it in every inch of his never aging body. But his observations were key in his magic. He knew even as a child that an unperceptive warlock would be a dead one. So when his lover and the father of his children went rushing from the room with his teeth gritted and his hands balled into fists, Magnus Bane knew that something was wrong. The only problem is that being observant does not mean that you always know what to do about the problem when you see it. When it came to his man, he knew almost everything about him. However, when Alec was trying to hide something, he did. In fact, he hid his own life truth for years on end.

Directly after Alec leaves Magnus feels a strange sense of discomfort surrounding him. His lover is not telling him something on purpose and that will make this dangerous for both of them. When Alexander wants to hide something, he does and he does it well. The warlock's first concern was his children, as they were both overly worried about their father's strange reaction to eating waffles and sitting at the breakfast bar. He ran out quickly, muttering a fake excuse and scaring both of his children. Though it was obvious that he was attempting to make them feel better, it was also clear that whatever battle he was fighting, he was losing it.

Magnus adjusts his robe and gives himself a quick twirl around to his children. Both Rafe and Max are looking to their Papa with fear in their eyes and confusion all over their expressions. Rafe looks as if he is mid-bite of one of the waffles with the piece still on his fork and his mouth partly open while Max looks up with watery eyes and a quivering lower lip.

"Papa, what's happening?" Max exclaims.

"Yeah, what's wrong with Daddy?" Rafe asks.

"I don't know, biscuit," Magnus says. "I'm going to go find out. I'm sure if Daddy says he's fine, it's probably nothing. But you all should stay here and have some dinner."

Neither of them respond. Both of the boys are so shocked they do not feel as if they knew how to say anything at all. Magnus gives them a final look of sympathy before turning from the room and attempting not to run to his love. Little do they know, Magnus can hear everything that goes on in that room. He put on a protective layer over their bedroom when they got Max. Anyone inside the bedroom can hear everything happening outside but no one outside, except for Magnus, can hear what is happening inside. That was mostly due to their rather loud love making. But at the moment Alec was taking advantage of that particular piece of magic to scream until his lungs burned without his children hearing.

"Alexander," Magnus says when his lover takes a long breath. He can hear him breathing heavily, practically heaving on the other side of the door. Magnus knocks a few times but there is no response, though he knows that Alec can hear him. He knocks again and then goes for the door handle but it's locked. He immediately goes to unlock it with magic but remembers the illness, the drag on his magic, the ache that he has been feeling all over his weak body lately and decides against it. Even the smallest forms of magic will add up to hurt him a great way.

"Alexander don't make me use magic right now," Magnus says on the other side, banging louder. "Open the door so that I can see what is going on, my love. Please just open the door. I can help you."

"Alec, the children are scared. You need to tell me what is going on," he says again, at a last ditch effort to get him to open the door. His fear is leading him in these moments. He bangs on the door a few more times. Finally he can hear a moan and a few gasping breaths as Alec makes his way to do the door. Finally, the door is open.

Alec raises his head as the door opens and stagers backwards, as if he is attempting to sit down but there is nothing behind him. His blank stare and his pale white mask of pain is dripping in cold sweat. He looks horrible, Magnus thinks. Magnus reaches out to the tall man and grabs under his arms, holding him as tight as he can just as Alec starts to fall, going weak all over. Magnus helps his lover back to the bed where there is a cold, damp spot from his sweating. Alec rests back on the bed, guarding his hurt and bleeding abdomen.

"Oh Alexander," he whispers in a low tone. Magnus sits down at the edge of his bed and rests his hand along his lovers face, interlocking his fingers in his dark hair. He brushes sweat off of his face.

"You have a temperature," Magnus says. "What happened to you?"

Alec shakes his head.

"I think I just need to let it take it's course."

"You don't get mundane diseases, Alexander," he counters. "What happened?"

Alec does not say anything. Through his writhing and fitful raging he manages to pull his black tee shirt up to reveal a disgusting, dark black and red cut that goes from the second of his indented abs all the way across his side and disappears beyond his back where Alec is laying on the rest of the injury. Magnus does not dare touch the wound with his hands. It looks incredibly painful. Instead, Magnus swallows hard and grasps his hands together, ready to use his magic to heal him.

"No!" Alec shouts, grabbing Magnus's hand.

"What?" Magnus asks.

"The last time you used your magic you were out for days. Whatever is happening to the warlocks, we don't know how to fix it yet," Alec says through his gritted teeth and long breaths. He bites his lower lip in agony, gripping the side of the bed for a long moment. Magnus reaches down, grazing his finger over his lovers white knuckles. He holds his hand there, attempting to soothe.

"I can't have you using your magic again," Alec says.

"I have to help you. You are injured and in pain. Why isn't the _iratze_ working?" he asks, attempting not to sound as absolutely terrified as he actually is.

"I don't know."

"Please tell me what happened, Alexander," Magnus begs.

Alec opens his mouth as if to speak but then bites his lip and when the pain comes flashing over his body again. He grabs onto his side and leans over it, groaning in absolute pain. He screams out, though he is trying hard not to.

"Okay, we can worry about that later. Do you know what kind of demon it was?" Magnus asks.

Alec nods, groaning as he begins to catch his breath, loosening his grip on the bed and letting his lover take his hand. Their fingers interlock despite Alec's constant movement, as if he is trying to get away from the pain. He can never space it. After just a few seconds he is back writhing in pain again.

"It was Agramon," he mutters.

Confusion whirls with hate and fear inside of Magnus's head all at once. Magnus decides very quickly that he needs to get the clave involved.

"The pain of the injury is masking the fear at the moment but the fear will come and when it does…Alexander with this deep of an injury, the fear itself could kill you," Magnus explains. "When he attacked you, you must have seen something or someone. You must have seen your worst fear. What was it?"

Alec shakes his head, fear riddling his face. Magnus was right about one thing. Thinking about the pain was changing the effects of the fear. But sooner or later he will not be able to push that away.

"It may be the only way for me to reverse the effects," Magnus explains.

"Not with magic," Alec assures.

Though Magnus wants to heal him, he knows he can't. He does not have the energy or ability to heal him from a greater demon. He can heal him but he cannot take the pain away, not from this demon. Maybe Alec is right. If Magnus uses everything he has, he won't be able to take care of the children. Neither of them would be with the kids.

"Maybe not. Tell me what the memory was and I'll do my best, Alexander," he begs. Alec takes a long breath, closing his eyes in pain as he explains.

"My family. Tortured. Hurt. Bleeding. Screaming out for me and I was watching them. I couldn't help anyone. I betrayed you all," Alec says in clear pain from what he saw.

"Who was it? We need to bring them all here," Magnus says.

"Everyone. It was Everyone," he says then Alec looks directly into his lovers eyes with pain. "The kids too."


	12. Alec's Pain 3

**Magnus thinks he can get Alec through it by using a spell that will bind the souls of his feared to him so that he can heal. The problem is whether to involve the children and what will happen to Magnus if he uses magic again.**

 **Alec's Pain.**

 **Chapter Three.**

Johnathan Christopher Lightwood Herondale was a very cocky man. He was so cocky in fact that every one that had ever met the famous Jace Herondale, more recently not the last of his kind, had swooned for him. His confident behavior got him into a lot of trouble but it also allowed him to fight the fights that others refused. Like today when he felt a terrible fear in the pit of his stomach and he doubled over in agony. He held onto his rune for a few moments before putting it together. It was him. Alec. His _parabatai_. Something had happened to him and whatever it was, it was terrifying the grown man. Jace learned quickly that whatever happened to his _parabatai_ was not the usual demon wound. It was fearful.

Clary held onto Jace's arm until the pain subsided and he came to that incredibly terrifying realization that it was not him that was hurting, but the man that he loves more than any other man in the world. He held onto Clary's hand with a realization that hit him like a punch to the face. He quickly stood and grabbed his phone, calling his brother. After the third time that Alec did not answer, he was shaking with annoyance and fear. Clary stayed on the sidelines, waiting for him to need her, to ask for her. Finally, he turned to her with a shake of his long blonde hair.

"I don't know where he is but he's really hurt," Jace says as he calls Magnus. There is again no answer. With confusion, Jace decides to check the first place that he knows Alec would be. Home. Grabbing her hand, Jace tugs on Clary as they gear up and rush out of the institute, leaving someone else in charge. Quickly they run out and into the streets of New York. With adrenaline pumping theory their veins, all they can think about is their brother that needs help and where he might be and what might be happening to him.

"Can you feel him?" Clary asks as they run.

"He's alive but he's in pain. Something's wrong," Jace says in his panicked yet controlled voice that always seems to remain cocky, even in this situation now.

Jace's phone rings so he reaches down to answer it even as he runs. Neither of them relax their pace as they run toward his apartment. But on the other end of the phone it's Magnus. His heart leaps into his throat as he trots down the streets of New York.

"What is it?" Jace asks, his voice surprisingly steady to Clary. Just when she thinks she knows everything about her lover, she learns more in an instant.

"It's important. You need to come here right away. Alec is hurt and he needs you," Magnus says.

"I'm on my way. What's going on? Is he going to be okay?" Jace begs all at once. Emotions cloud judgement. That is what Jace always used to believe. But that was before he knew how to use his emotions the right way. Now he knows that he can feel compassion and love for Alec and use it to drive what he needs to do to help his brother.

"He was in a fight with a greater demon. Agramon," he answers.

"Demon of fear. That's why I felt terrified when I thought he was hurt. What do you need us for? What can we do?"

"We need to connect the people in his greatest fear to his soul. I think that by using your energy, we can bind him to you and do two things. One: he can release the fear feeling each one of your safeties around him. Two: your safe energy can heal him."

"That sounds good. What's the problem?" Jace asks as he pushes his legs faster, feeling his brothers pain calling him through his _parabatai_ rune. He can almost feel the tug that Alec has on him like a vice grip around his body, pulling him toward his brother.

"We have to use all of you at once. It will deplete your energy. It will also likely make you see or feel what he felt."

"Again. I'm not hearing the problem. I can survive that," Jace says with that cocky attitude that sometimes makes Magnus want to slap him across the face. Instead of doing that through the phone, he attempts to explain to the blonde.

"You can survive that but the others might not be able to."

"The others? What are you talking about? Who else needs to be a part of this?" Jace asks, suddenly putting the pieces together.

"Me. Izzy. Clary. Simon." There is a long pause and a sigh that worries Jace in a strange way that makes him uncomfortable. "Rafe and Max."

"Shit," Jace curses as he turns the corner to the apartment building. He hangs up the phone as he rushes up the stairs with Clary just behind him. She gives him a quizzical look but he does not have time to explain so they run right through the door of his apartment and into the center of it where they find two little boys sitting in the living room playing with blocks. More like Max is levitating the blocks and Rafe is trying to build the worlds largest tower with them.

"Uncle Jace!" Max shouts with a grin and runs over to him with his arms out and his big eyes looking up at him. Jace grabs him in a quick hug, putting him down quickly when he feels the pain that Alec is in. He can feel it stronger now than before.

"Jace!" Magnus calls.

Jace looks to Clary for a brief moment but he does not have to say anything. She knows what to do.

"I'll stay here with the kids," she assures.

Jace gives a nods and runs back to his brother's bedroom where he finds Magnus standing in the doorway.

"I'll call the others," Magnus says. "Stay with him."

Jace doesn't give it a second thought. He rushes into the room to find his brother sweating and pale. His strong features look softer with the sweat dripping down his face. His thick lips are slightly parted, air gasping in and out quickly. He is trembling all over, gripping the sides of his bed as he writhes in pain, calling out occasionally though it is clear that he is trying not to.

"I'm here Alec," Jace assures, reaching out to touch his _parabatai_. Alec takes Jace's hand easily and they hold onto each other tightly. They squeeze hands and Alec feels a rush of relief that shocks him.

"I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry for taking you away from the institute. I didn't mean for this to happen," Alec says, always afraid that he is going to hurt someone or get someone in trouble.

"Don't worry about anything. We're going to help you," Jace assures.

"Not to be rude but…can you hurry? I don't know how much longer I can hold this back," Alec says through gritted teeth. His back starts to raise up and his body shakes. The confident cocky Jace is thrown off, having no clue what Alec is talking about.

"Hold what back?"

"The fear. It's getting bad, Jace. I don't know what's going to happen when I can feel all of it," Alec says.

Fear. He doesn't want them to see him afraid. Just when Jace's brain starts to wrap around a conclusion or even a solution to this problem, Alec reaches his other hand out to grab onto Jace's arm and hold as tight as he can. Through gritted teeth his eyes look right into his brothers.

"I need my children," he says.

"We'll get them when the others get here. They're okay. Clary is with them," Jace assures, feeling a strange sense of looming over his shoulders. He looks toward the door when he hears another roaring of energy come in. Someone else just got here.

"Jace," Alec says again, turning his head as he rests on the pillow. The water in his eyes trembles until he bites a hole through his lip. "I can't. Jace. I can't."

"I've got you," Jace says.

Jace reaches down and grabs around Alec's body pulling him up into a hug as Alec breaks and the fear comes crashing down around him.

 **Let's get some reviews please!**


	13. Alec's Pain 4

**Alec and Jace have a moment while Magnus is gathering the others. Izzy comes to help her brother.**

 **Alec's Pain.**

 **Chapter Four.**

Isabelle Sophia Lightwood is a dramatic woman. She has always been a woman with confidence and ease but her drama is what led men to her feet. Underneath of the drama and the over the top experiences and the extravagant beauty is a smart woman with a good heart. That is what Simon Lewis saw in her that first moment he met her a few years ago. That seems like a lifetime ago now. With their new wedding planning every other minute of the day, Izzy is often distracted with the idea the dress, the decorations, the rituals, all of it. Tonight was one of those nights. Izzy and Simon were enthralled in wedding planning. It didn't have to be anything extravagant but this is Isabelle Lightwood and she is an extravagant, dramatic person. Izzy wants all of the attention on her and her lover that day.

The drama of the color pallet is what they are fiddling over tonight. They have flipped through a hundred mundane magazines and even read through some shadowhunter traditions that they felt were important. That was all before the dramatic Izzy decided it was all too much work and with a large gesture and a loud giggle, she wrapped her body in Simon's, throwing one leg over his waist. She sat on his lap with a long kiss that signified that she was done with whatever it was that they had to do with the wedding. The gesture was grand but what came next was not what either of them were expecting. A phone call. Izzy's phone.

Izzy sits at the edge of their bed now, answering the phone with a strange feeling in her gut.

"Magnus," she says with a smile, trying to be lighthearted as always, though she can tell something is wrong.

"Alec needs you. Get here now," he says in a rushed tone.

"What the hell happened?" she asks.

Izzy gets up quickly, gathering her clothes and attempting to throw on dark leather pants and a leather jacket with one arm. Simon sees her rushing and does the same, puts on his gear with a rush of effort. He grabs a seraph blade and sticks it in his weapons belt while Izzy struggles with her shoes as she listens to Magnus.

"Alec was injured. He was cut by Agramon. He's feeling the fear at this point and we need everyone in his fear hallucination to get here right now," he explains.

"What are you going to do?" Izzy asks as Simon helps her gather her things. He even slips her whip onto her wrist with a hopeful smile and grabs an extra seraph blade, sliding it into her belt for her.

"I'm going to attempt to bind each of you to him. This will allow him to feel your safety and take him away from the fear. This may also allow him to use your energy to heal. But we need to do it quickly. The more time we waste the worse he will get," Magnus assures.

With fear in her own heart for her brother, Izzy ends the call and grabs Simon's hand as she travels down the steps. They run across the pavement and down the first street with their speed and glamour runes activated. Both of them run as fast as they can, Simon holding back just a little for Izzy. On the way there she attempts to explain everything she can to him through long breaths. Before they know it, Izzy and Simon are rushing into the apartment and back toward their bedroom. Izzy gives the kids a smile as she passes them, ignoring their comments and cheers when they arrive. Simon finds Clary playing with the boys, which was to be expected. He assumes Jace is back there with Alec and momentarily wonders if he needs to be a part of this at all.

Izzy rushes back to the bedroom where Magnus is standing outside. He gestures for Izzy to come toward him. She hesitantly moves. She was moving so quickly, so fast and rushed that she feels like she is missing something now. But as she approaches the door, she is hesitant.

"I'm giving Alexander a moment," Magnus says. "He was able to hold himself together until…well Jace…."

It is not like Magnus to lose his ability to speak. She looks at him with concern and reaches out slowly, squeezing his hand. She gives him a reassuring small smile, nothing dramatic about it. This is the kind, quiet Isabelle that just wants to help her family. This the Isabelle that comes out only when she needs to.

"We will help Alec," she assures, though she is not sure if she is assuring herself or Magnus. Perhaps both.

"We need to gather everyone. Is Simon here?" Magnus asks.

She gives him a nod.

"Good. Then we have everyone. I will be connecting us all with a spell and then—"

"Magnus!" Izzy says with shock. She shakes her head quickly. "You can't do that. You'll burn out. Last time you used magic, you were out for hours. What if it gets worse every time? Alec would not want you to hurt yourself to help him. There has to be another way."

Magnus gives a long sigh and a small smile.

"I will do anything for Alexander."

With that Magnus gives a short nod and walks past her back into the living room where his sons have been sitting. Izzy stands outside the room for a few minutes, working up the courage to go in. This is her brother after all and she should not be so freaked out about seeing him. He will be fine. She just has to tell herself that he will be fine and maybe he will be.

Without thinking about anything but her love for her brother, Izzy opens the bedroom door.

Alec is sitting on the bed with Jace holding him to his chest. Alec's fingers are grased tightly around his brother, clenching and unclenching at his shirt. Jace is speaking a hushed tone with soothing words. It's a strange sound to hear, almost intimate. Izzy wonders if she should interfere. But when she hears Alec make a gasping sound, she takes a couple of steps forward. They both notice her at the same time. Sure, they knew she came in the room the moment she did, given that their shadowhunters. But this is the time that they recognize her.

"It's getting bad," Alec manages to push out.

Alec's face is riddled with tears and fear as he reaches out one of his hands for her. His fear overpowers her worry so she closes the space between them and humbly takes her brother's hand.

"It's okay big brother," she says in that sisterly tone that has always soothed Alec with such intensity. "We're all together now."


	14. Alec's Pain 5

**Max thinks he knows how to solve all of this and then they begin the spell.**

 **Chapter Five.**

Max Michael Lightwood-Bane is a caring child. He cares about everyone that he knows and he cares about them deeply and individually. He puts effort into listening to people, paying attention to what he can, though he knows there is very little his Papa wants him to pay attention to. And he uses everything he knows about people and about magic to make them feel happy. If he can't make them feel happy, his dad told him that he could just give them a great big hug. Dad said that was the best medicine sometimes and Papa agreed that when a hug comes from a little blueberry like Max, everything was okay again. The thought of what his fathers always tell him about how caring he is makes him feel good. Maybe this will all be over soon. Maybe he could just fix it with a hug like Dad said. Daddy loves hugs and Papa always hugs him when he comes from a long day at work. Maybe if Max, the special blueberry hugged him than everything would go back to normal and he would be okay.

Yes, that would be the best idea that anyone has come up with the entire time they have been here!

Max jumps from his place on the floor, ignoring Clary's comments and Rafe's protests about him knocking over his tower or something. He rushes past everyone in the living room, which was nearly everyone but his parents now. He turns the corner with a skid and then pushes on the locked door. With a bit of magic he tries his best to open the door. He thinks hard about what Papa told him about opening doors. He told him to concentrate on the lock itself. He told him to think about the gears turning in his favor. But Max doesn't know what a lock really looks like on the inside! How would he know that? He also remembers that his Papa told him not to come into their bedroom without knocking and never to try to unlock their door because they might be talking about something important or maybe something secret like Christmas. Since Max decided very quickly that he absolutely loves Christmas, he never wanted to spoil anything. Anyway, he never understands the really important conversations.

As he tries for his magic again and again he gets more and more frustrated. Soon he stomps his foot on the ground and starts to groan before he can feel the tears well up in his eyes. He feels alone and scared and just wants to see his parents. He stomps his foot on the door again but this time he loses control and his body shifts to a bat.

"This always happens!" he thinks, annoyed.

He floats around the door a few times, thinking again of what Papa told him about turning into a bat and how to reverse it but he can't come up with anything good. Instead he continues to float around, waving his wings and hoping that Papa will just come out and help him instead of all of these silly family members looking so sad all the time. He doesn't want anyone to be sad. Caring, kind Max wants everyone to be okay and he intends on making that happen. If he could just get into the room, he could make his daddy feel better. He just knows it.

"Papa!" he thinks, wanting to scream it but can't. "Papa! I need help!"

Finally, the door opens. Papa stands looking tired and sad, the way he has been looking recently. Daddy says that it's nothing and that he is perfectly fine but Rafe says that there is something wrong. Rafe tries to trick Max sometimes but he doesn't think that one is a trick. He thinks that part is real and real scary too.

Papa gives Max a little sigh and kneels down to his level.

"Remember what I told you about that Max," he says in a hushed tone. As if just his words fixed his thoughts, Max transformed back into his little blue self with his feet flat on the ground. He gave himself a huff and whipped his face off with the back of his hand.

"It's okay, little blueberry," he says with a smile, scruffing his hair in between his two horns.

"I have an idea," Max says.

"What is it?"

"Daddy is sick."

Papa gives out a long and terrible sight that has Max really worried for him. He reaches up and holds out his hands to be held. In a long swoop, Magnus holds up his son on his hip, though he is getting to be a bit big for this. But he doesn't really mind.

"Dad told me one time that I could help anyone if I just give them one of my magic hugs," he says with a grin. "So I gonna give Daddy a magic hug and then he'll be aaaalll fixed."

Magus gives his son a quick squeeze and then turns back to the door of the bedroom. Surprised, Max feels excited when he brings the blueberry inside to their bedroom. But this is not right. Dad is laying on the bed with his hands down clenching the bed sheets. He is groaning and his head is straight up, looking at the ceiling. He does look sick and really really sad. It scares him. Max huddles into Papa's shoulder, burring his face into his shoulder and letting out a weeping sound that Alec notices right away.

"Max?" he asks, managing to sit up. "Magnus, why would you bring him here?"

"Max can tell you that," Papa says. He nudges Max and the young caring boy wants to please them both so badly that he sits up and looks over at his dad. His body is sweaty and gross but Max wants to help more than anything so he reaches over. To his surprise, Papa keeps his hold on him but Dad puts his arms around him. They hug for a brief moment.

"Wanted to hug," Max says. "Make Daddy feel better."

"I do feel a little better now," Dad says with a smile that does not last long. "Thank you."

"We'll all be back, Alexander," Papa says. Sometimes Max forgets that his parents have real names and it's always odd to hear them being used between the two of them. "It's almost time to start."

"Start what?" Max asks, confused.

"A very special spell to help Dad," he explains as Dad leans back on the pillow with his arm draped over his side. It is clear to Magnus that he is holding back everything when Max is in the room but the tired feeling of exhaustion cannot be held back.

"And you will have to be a part of it. We are going to use some of your magic, Max. You are going to have to be very brave. Can you do that?" Papa asks. Max feels a little scared but also excited. They are trusting him. They want him to help. The caring little boy that always wants to help everyone gives a happy nod.

"I can be brave," Max says.


	15. Alec's Pain 6

**The gang start the spell but it will involve the children and some pain.**

 **Chapter Six.**

Clarissa Adele Fairchild has always been a very brave woman. When Clary was thrown into the shadow world on her sixteenth birthday she was brave, scared but brave. When Clary went into the dimensions of hell and fought off every known demon, she was brave, though she was terrified. When Clary went into the Seelie realm with Jace she was brave. She has always put on a brave fact because she felt that if she did not, she may break. She was not afraid that her emotions were cloud her judgement. She merely felt that using her emotions to push toward her goal would make her brave. She was always afraid but that did not mean that she would give up. Being brave meant that you pushed through the fear. That is what she intended to do today.

When Jace got the phone call and they ran the entire way here, Clary was sure that she would have to pick up the pieces once this was over. Jace looked so afraid and shattered at the thought of Alec being hurt. It had ben a long time since Alec really hurt. Jace always felt what Alec did but when Jace doubled over in pain and told Clary something was wrong, she was scared. She needed Alec to be okay because she loved him like the others but she also needed him to be okay because if he wasn't, Jace would not be either. Clary was brave when she walked into the quiet house and realized quickly that it felt like a funeral in here. Everyone is scared. No one really knows what to say about what is happening. The children continue to play as if nothing is going on.

"Clary, we need to begin," Magnus says as he walks into the room carrying his blue son. Magnus gestures for them to follow him. With Simon by her side, Clary bravely stands and walks back to their bedroom where Alec is laying on their large plush bed with silky golden sheets. She has never been in their joined bedroom before and to be honest, it feels odd, like an invasion of their sexual privacy. It is a very romantic room, filled with ordained jewels and pretty things but it is clear that this bed is not just for sleeping. She tries to ignore that thought as she enters the room with courage, standing before her sick friend.

The proud Alec Lightwood is laying on their golden bed with one of his hands clutching the sheets so tightly Clary wonders if he is going to tear the sheets and the other gripping Jace so badly it is clear that Jace is in pain but he would never pull away. Izzy is standing on the other side of the bed with her arms guarded around her abdomen and her face staring down at her brother with so much concern Clary wants to walk over and hug her. But Simon beats her to that feeling. He gives Izzy a quick squeeze and whispers something that is only between them before walking back to the edge of the bed beside Clary, always near his _parabatai._

"We're ready," Magnus says. "Everyone needs to listen to me very carefully. You will each link hands with another who you are deeply connected to. That should not be hard given our familial connection. We are all to keep these bonds the entire time. I will perform the spell that will release some of the fear Alec is feeling. We will each feel it."

"Will that effect us?" Simon asks, always ready to volunteer to help the Lightwoods, not for his _parabatai_ and not even for his fiancé but actually for each of them because they are his friends too. That would make Clary smile if she were not so scared for Alec. He looks horrible. He is shaking all over and moaning. There is sweat on his face and his eyes are clenched tightly together as he writhes. He turns his head over to the side, trying to open his eyes. He catches eyes with Magnus.

"This will hurt, Alexander," he warns his lover, putting his hand through his hair in a gentle gesture that makes Clary want to look away. When Jace does things like that to her, she would hate it if someone else was watching.

"You shouldn't be using magic," Alec says.

"Max will help me," Magnus assures.

"We shouldn't be asking him to do that."

"I'm just going to take his energy and strength. He has a lot of it for such a young one. He will be fine and so will I and so will you," Magnus says with a small smile. It is a gentle smile that should assure his lover. Clary looks down at her hands while this exchange takes place. Magnus sits down on the bed beside Alec and puts Max in his lap. It is a cute gesture but it does not look anything like they are about to perform a strong ritual that can change the fate of their family member.

"Alec, are you ready for this?" Jace asks.

He nods.

"He will take some of our energy. We will feel his fear but before that happens, Alec you will see the vision again, probably the entire time that we are doing this ceremony. You have to hold on. Jace and I will keep a hold of your hands," Magnus says and then takes a sigh. "Anyone need a strong drink before we begin? Or is that just me?"

Alec gives a small smile before it falls into a grimace and he writhes in pain. His back arches and his body starts shaking again. He groans with a sound Clary has never heard before. It is terrifying and shaky and clearly filled with agony.

"Let's do this," Clary says quickly. She holds out her hand to Jace. He takes it. Simon takes her other hand and connects with Izzy. Izzy grasps Rafe who is also holding onto Max. Max sits in his papa's lap with his hand on his shoulder as Magnus does the magic needed. Magnus's free hand grips his lovers tightly. Each of them is connected as the spells begin.

Clary focuses on Alec, on saving him, on everything that he has ever done for her. She takes a long deep breath and gives all of her energy to him. She pushes her energy in his direction and feels as his illness starts to creep into her body as the fear finds its way into her fingertips. It grows up her hands and into her forearms like a darkness that begins to engulf her. It threatens to overtake her entire being but she does not let it. She holds tightly onto Jace and Simon, the two men who have always meant the most to her. But she does love Alec. At first she hated Alec but after she realized the pain he had been in his entire life, the bravery that he must have had to put forth to lie for the good of his family all of those years made Clary realize what a courageous and good man he was. Alec does not deserve this pain.

She can only imagine the kind of fear he has felt his entire life. Fear of getting found out. Fear of not feeling what he thought he was supposed to. Fear of never being good enough. Fear of never having what he so desperately longed for. And he always faced with a brave face and a noble heart.

The spell continues and the feeling of horror grows stronger and stronger. Alec begins to writhe and wither. He begins to call out in horror for each of them.

"Clary! Don't! No, Jace! Come back! Izzy! What's going on? Leave them alone! I have to get to them! Max! Save them! Rafe, get out of here!" he shouts over and over again. His shouts don't make much sense but it is clear that he is going over each of the names, seeing them for the first time in his head and watching the fear grow worse and worse.

"Magnus! Magnus! Please!" Alec starts to beg.

Clary throws her head back as the darkness reaches her heart and takes her over.


	16. Alec's Pain 7

**The spell is coming to it's peak. The pain and the fear are hitting everyone hard. They will join together to help Alec.**

 **Chapter Seven.**

Simon Lovelace has always been a noble friend. Since the day he met Clary he knew they were meant to be friends. He knew that no matter where Clary went or what she did, he would be right there beside her. He never imagined that he would be a part of the shadow world. He never imagined he would be a downworlder and then lose all of his memories and have to fight to ascend into the shadow world again. He never thought he would become a shadowhunter just like his best friend. But the one thing Simon always knew, even when he was a little boy was that he would remain noble and true to his best friend. He knew that where she went, he would follow. He followed her everywhere she went until they finally solidified that bond in the way that they were always meant to be. He remained a noble friend to Clary and because of that was a friend to the others as well. He never liked Jace but after he got to know the emotionless man, he realized that they had a chance to be closer. Each one of these people is important to Simon in some way.

Never did he think that he would risk his life to save for them and yet he finds himself doing it nearly once a week. Sure, he risked his life for Clary but when he risked his life for Isabelle he wondered just how far he would go. It was not until he found a fate worse than death, releasing all of his memories into hell and returning to a life he did not want for a man he barely knew that he realized how far he would go. All he knew is taht each one of them were his friends and he could not see Alec, a brave man who always did the right thing, hurting so badly because of the loss of his lover. Each of these people, even Alec means something to Simon. His nobility is what brought him here today. His nobility and his efforts to stay true to the people who have become family to him is what brought him into this pain and fear that he is feeling now.

Simon's head is tilted back and the fear has creeped over his neck and gone up into his head. The same fear that burned in his throat before is now all over his body. He is seeing everything Alec is seeing. Each of his children are being tortured in front of him. Alec is being held back from them all. The pain he feels is deep within his gut. He attempts to push it away but knows that without accepting this pain, Alec will feel it and he does not want Alec to feel this pain. He takes it on willingly, allowing it to flush over his entire body. It takes him over easily. Simon tries to breathe through it all, allowing the pain to hit him everywhere.

"Allow the pain in. Each of you need to allow the fear in for you to be able to transfer your energy to him," Magnus says through the mask of fear that he feels.

"I will take the fear for the children," Magnus says.

"No!" Alec shouts out.

"Give it to me," Jace says through gritted teeth.

"You can already feel more of his pain than the others, if you can't handle it, Alexander will—"

"Give it to me!" Jace demands.

As if on cue, Magnus's magic grows larger. The blue and purple mist that dances around each of them is growing darker and bigger around their hearts and heads. The mist grows until it connects each of them in their strange circle of family. As the fear grows in their hearts, they each feel their worst fear. It happens all at once so each of them is screaming out.

Simon sees his _parabatai_ before him, standing their with her heart ripped out of her chest. She is breathing heavily, blood dripping down her chest and around her hands and mouth. She looks horrible and pale. He attempts to push the thought away. He attempts to think about Alec's pain and not his own. The blood on his hands and mouth. He can taste it. He can taste his _parabatai's_ blood. It's sweet. He craves it.

These are vampires fears. But he has his memories back now and all of the fears come from every part of his life, even the vampire part.

Then he sees Izzy. She's wearing a beautiful golden dress that is floor length. It is tight around all of her perfect curves. It diverts around her breasts, allowing for just the right amount of cleavage. The sparkle on her shoulders and sides makes him want to reach his arms around her waist. Her dress is beautiful but then he looks up, looking to her happy face. Her confidence is obvious but beyond that her smile is radiating. She looks as if she has never been happier. Her eyes are radiating warmth and her happiness is all over her body.

"Izzy," he whispers.

Then he sees it. Her face changes and her eyes narrow. She looks down at the growing wound on her chest and begins to collapse as she walks down the isle. She falls on her knees, barely able to catch herself before she is fluttering down the isle. Finally, she is on the ground, staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression. She starts to spurt blood from her mouth and cough on it. She begins to choke, making horrible noises in the back of her throat. He screams, begging her to come back. No one helps her. Each of the others is stuck in their own terrifying fantasy. No one is rushing toward her. No one is helping Izzy. She is all alone and she's dying. She was going to marry him but now she's dying.

Simon is not the only one in his personal hell. Each of them are clearly experiencing some horrid fantasy that they cannot get out of. Jace is the only one staring down at Alec. His face is in a tight grimace and his hands are shaking with the fear. Clary is holding on as tight as she can but it is clear from her pull on Simon that something is going on.

Simon manages to focus on Magnus long enough to see that he is struggling, wavering and starting to fall out.

"Magnus! Focus!" Simon shouts. "We have to end this. Jace is losing it!"

"Hold on!" Magnus shouts, clearly trying to refocus himself.

"Papa!" Max screams.

"No! Max! Max! By the Angel, Max! Why did they have to take you?" Alec shouts and Simon hears several small cracks. That is when Jace calls out in pain and doubles over onto his hand. Alec broke his fingers.

"Magnus!" Simon shouts. "We need to end this!"

The energy between them is electric and pulsing with intensity.

"Max, please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. By the angel, give him back," Alec begs, almost crying now. It makes Simon feel horrible and uncomfortable but he tries to ignore that. He needs to help him. He has to get Alec out of this.

"Daddy! I'm here! I'm here!" Max shouts.

"That's not what he means," Izzy says through her own pain.

"Our brother," Jace manages in a horribly controlled voice.

"Almost there," Magnus says.

With a loud scream and a shout, finally, the spell is over. It falls from each of them, the pain and fear leaving with it. They fall to the ground or back on the bed. Alec breathes deeply with a sigh and all at once, it's over.

That is he thought it was over until he turned to see Magnus and Max unconscious on the bed next to a weeping Alec.


	17. Alec's Pain 8

**What happened to Magnus and Max? What did the others see? Is Alec really healed from this horrible nightmare? Let's find out!**

 **Chapter Eight.**

Rafael Santiago Lightwood-Bane was a very strong boy. He was so strong in fact that when he lived back in Argentina with the other children, he thought he never cared that no one really loved him. He thought that it did not matter to him that no one would ever care for him the way that people cared for family. But then he saw Alec Lightwood in the Shadow Market and thought that maybe someone would care about him. Maybe he could get someone to care about him if he just did everything right. But it turned out that all Rafe had to do was be himself and Alec wanted him just the same. He wanted to save him but more than that, he wanted to care about him. He wanted Rafe to like him. And after a while, Rafe really did like Alec. He loved his dad more than he loved almost anyone other than Papa and sometimes Max, but most of the time Max just annoys him with silly games and talk of being a shadowhunter.

Rafe was strong when Alec brought him home and Magnus already started making a room for him and then he thought that it might all get taken away. There were a few moments when he thought that he had been too mean to Alec, that he wouldn't want to keep him because of it but then he saw Magnus and knew that he just had to stay here. He was strong when the youngest of the Blackthorns cried over his sister. He was strong when he thought he had to play with a little boy that was confused and sad and told him that everything was going to be okay. He was strong again when he saw Dad come home today and he was acting so strange. He was afraid and clearly off but Rafe put on a brave face and didn't bother trying to figure it out. He was even stronger when Dad ran back into his bedroom and Papa started acting strange. He was stronger than ever when he was standing in the circle, giving his Dad his energy. But when Dad staring calling out for Max and not Rafe, he was not strong anymore. He was scared. Didn't Dad love Rafe just as much as he did Max? Didn't Dad want Rafe just as much as he wanted his other son?

This is when Rafe was not strong at all. This is when Rafe was weak and selfish. The bond was broken when Papa and Max finally ran out of energy and everyone fell down. Rafe looked up to find everyone gathering their thoughts, checking on each other and talking in hushed voices. No one really knew what to say or do. Rafe hated that feeling. But then he sat up and turned to Papa, who was holding Max in his arms and felt afraid and far away. He felt so far away in fact that he wanted to run fast and hard away from his family. He doesn't want anything to do with them. They love Max. They are holding Max. Dad even called out for Max, not him. They don't want him. They just want Max.

Well that's fine. They can have him.

Rafe stands up with a look of horror spreading across his face as he staggers backwards away from the crowd. He falls back against the wall and looks around at the quiet crowd speaking in hushed voices. They are talking to everyone but him, which makes him feel even worse.

"Alec," Aunt Isabelle says, being the first to speak. She sits up and crawls over to the bed, pulling herself up onto it. She drags herself over to her brother and hovers above him, looking down him. Dad is breathing as heavily as if he just came running here. His eyes are flicking from person to person as the relief floods over him. He pushes himself to sitting but falters and leans back as if he is about to fall. Aunt Izzy catches him with one arm and he quickly wraps his arms around her. In a long, crying hug the both of them are clasping onto each other. He has never seen Dad so desperate. He had never seen his Dad need someone so badly. He had seen Dad and Papa hug. He had even seen Dad sad when his own father died. But now Dad looked desperate. He is clinging to his sister with everything he has, holding onto her with his hands wrapped in her dark shirt, gripping tightly.

"Don't let go," Dad says.

"I won't. You're okay."

Clary wakes slowly. Rafe leans back into the wall, hoping that he will disappear into it. He watches as she looks around the room and her eyes fall on her love.

"Jace!" she calls out, grabbing his shoulders. His body is unconscious, partly on the floor and partly on the bed in a slumped mess. His face is grimaced in pain and his hands are loose around Alec where they used to be strong. His left hand is swollen and red where his _parabatai_ broke his fingers from holding on so tight.

"Jace," Clary says again. "Wake up."

Rafe realizes quickly that Papa has not woken up either. Uncle Jace is hurt and Clary can't wake him up. Papa is out too and Max is asleep on his chest, looking peaceful but also completely warn out.

"Clary! Are you okay?" Simon asks, sitting up to look at her. He reaches over and soon everyone is crowded around another person. Everyone except for Rafe. No one is asking him if he is okay. No one is checking on him when in fact he is not okay. He is truly and utterly terrified. He is horrified as he stands away from the crowd.

"Papa! Get Papa up!" Rafe screams, sounding more like a little kid than he meant to. He sounds more like Max than himself but he doesn't care. He needs his Papa and he needs him to wake up.

"Papa! Papa, please get up!" he shouts.

When every person in the room finally looks to Rafe, even Dad, they are confused.

"Why isn't anyone worried about Papa! Dad! Why did you do this? You hurt Papa, Daddy! You hurt Max! Why did you call out to him and not me! Why did you hurt them!" Rafe shouts.

"Rafe!" Dad says quickly, reaching across the bed, across his sleeping lover and son to his angry child. He reaches further, trying to get him to come closer.

"Rafe, come here. Papa is depleted of magic. We're going to help him but can you please come here?" Dad says in that kind familiar tone that Rafe really wants to trust.

"No! No! I don't trust any of you! Get away from me!" Rafe shouts, screaming as he starts to run out. Aunt Izzy is the one to catch him and pull him back in the room. He tries to fight her off but she easily controls his wrath.

"You don't even want me here!" he shouts.

"Stop it, Rafe!" Aunt Izzy shouts. He does not have any strength left. The boy who is always as strong as he can be is now feeling nothing but weakness and fear. Aunt Izzy helps bring him over and sets him down on the bed beside his fathers.

"Of course I want you here. I need you here. I love you," Dad says in a tone that Rafe has always trusted since that first day back in the Argentina Shadow Market.

"You only wanted Max," Rafe says.

"You called out for Max in the end," Aunt Izzy explains. "But from what you said it sounded more like you were talking to our brother."

Alec takes a long breath, looking more tired than she has seen him in a long time. His long face grows sorrowful when he reaches out and brings his son in for a long hug. He holds Rafe just as tight as he was holding his sister. He grips the back of his shirt with his strong fingers and kisses his dark forehead.

" _Te amo Rafael_ ," Dad says.

"I love you too, Dad," Rafe assures. "But why did you call out for him?"

"It wasn't your brother. It was mine," Dady says. "I need you here too, Rafe. You just have to trust us."

"Alec," Clary says in a panicked voice, taking them both from their intense hug. "The others…they're not waking up."


	18. Alec's Pain 9

**Alec helps his son to wake up and talks to the others about what happened, what they saw and what will continue.**

 **Chapter Nine.**

Alexander Gideon Lightwood is a very panicked man in this terrible moment. He is staring down at his unconscious lover. Lover. He never really knew what to call Magnus and at the moment that term seemed silly because he is close to Magnus in so many other ways. But right now it is the best he can come up with. Magnus's make up is still on but his eyeliner does not look as perfect as it always does. His hair is not spiked. Instead his dark black hair is fallen around his face and over his ears. His face looks more tired than Alec had seen it in a long time. In fact, Alec almost does not want to wake him given just how tired he really looks.

His son, Max, the little blueberry is laying on his papa's chest with one chubby hand splayed out on the side of his stomach and the other dangling off of their bodies. His eyes are closed and his body is relaxed into Papa. He looks tired but not nearly as exhausted and drained as Magnus does. In turn, he looks as if he might just be taking an afternoon nap, which makes Alec feel just a little bit better.

The panic hits Alec hard when he realizes that Magnus looks pale and disbelieved. He is not only depleted of magic but also of energy and his illness is not getting better. In these moments, it looks worse than he has seen it in a long time. Alec reaches across the space between them and puts his hand through his lovers hair. He presses his cool palm on his forehead and leans down to kiss him, whispering in his ear.

"It's going to be okay," Alec whispers. "You have to wake up. Just for a minute."

There is complete silence.

"What do we do?" Clary asks.

"This happened last time he used too much magic," Alec says, though the panic is clear all over his face.

Alec reaches down and picks up his son. He holds him in his arms, though he feels incredibly weak, his son feels familiar and perfect in his grasp. He holds him with as much strength as he can muster, tightly and truly, looking down, willing him to wake him up. He gives him the smallest amount of his strength, all Alec can bear to give and Max starts to stir. Max's head turns side to side and his hands start to clench and unclench. He rolls his eyes as Alec attempts to wake him, as if he has been sleeping for a long nap. Sometimes if Max sleeps too long during nap time, Alec will have to wake him up. It's always dangerous because he could wake up and turn into a bat or he could wake up and be happy to play again.

"Come on, Max," Alec begs. "Just wake up, buddy."

"What do we do?" Izzy asks.

"I don't know," Alec says in his panic. He tries his best to keep calm in front of the others given what they had just seen from him but the panic is still in his veins. The pain is still in his heart. It is not much but it is just enough to worry him. The fear is on the tip of his tongue, feeling as if at any moment he might crawl out of his skin. He hopes that does not happen. He hopes that he can take a long breath and let it all go. But it doesn't work.

"Come on, Max. Just wake up. I'm right here. It's Dad. It's me. You can wake up because you're safe now," Alec begs, feeling real fear coming toward him again light a freight train. He attempts to keep in control, gripping his hands around his babies soft fingers to stop the shaking.

"Max," Alec says.

"Come on, buddy," Izzy says. Alec could have sworn Clary was just here but when he looks down at her, she is at Jace's side, whispering something in his ear as he kneels on the floor with his head in his hands. He looks horribly terrified. Alec gets a strange gut wrenching feeling that almost rips him apart when he sees how horribly broken his _parabatai_ is. He will have to help him soon but right now he has to wake up his son.

"Get up, Max!" Alec finally shouts.

Max's eyes open with shock and stare up at his dad. He looks almost afraid but then his face comes to a clear realization and relaxes into his dad's embrace.

"It's okay. You're okay," Alec says, holding his son to his chest.

"Are you better now?" Max asks in a light, happy voice that is still laced with the heaviness of being sleepy. He can almost hear how much he wants to go back to bed in his voice, just like he does when it gets too late reading too many stories.

"Yes, Max. I'm better. You made me feel better," Alec says.

Max nods against him and within an instant, he is falling asleep again on his dad's shoulder, patting him gently.

"I love…you…Daddy," Max gets out in long breaths as his head finally falls and his eyes close, going back to sleep.

"What about Papa?" Rafe asks in a voice that sounds far away. Alec reaches out toward his older son, who walks over and takes his dads hand. They look at each other in final peace.

"He'll be okay. He's sick and he's really tired but he will be okay. He told me this might happen. We just have to love him and keep him rested," Alec explains, trying to hide his own fear for his love.

"What if he doesn't wake up?" Rafe asks.

Instead of telling his older son that he is afraid of that as well, that in fact, he is terrified that might happen and he would not know what to do without Magnus by his side.

"He will," Alec manages to get out in a choked voice. "He has to."


	19. Alec's Pain 10

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 **Alec is healed but what happened to the others who took on his pain? Jace, Magnus and Max are still out…**

 **Chapter Ten.**

Jonathan Christopher Lightwood Herondale was a very scared man in these moments. Though he saw just about every one of his biggest fears just seconds ago, what is scaring him more than anything is what he saw inside of Alec's head. Every horrible feeling, terrible fear or deep seeded hate that Alec and ever felt was transferred through their bond and Jace went through every single one of those feelings all at once. Jace loved his _parabatai_ in a way that he could not love another person. He thought he knew him better than anyone but after feeling all of that horror, he realized that no one really knew Alec, except for himself. He hid everything so well from everyone because he was so afraid of what would happen if people found out about his truth and his fears. Jace thought that he could shield his brother from as much hate as possible but after feeling that…no one should ever feel that alone. Why didn't he know? Why didn't he do anything about it when he felt his _parabatai_ hurting so badly? Why didn't he cover for him more often? Make him feel as if he was loved?

He is loved. Jace does love him. Right now that is all that matters.

Jace's fears finally wake him with a horrible scream. Clary's arms are around him in an instant, talking to him in a quiet, soothing voice. She kisses him calmly and he comes back to realizing where he is. He's in his brother's apartment. He's okay. He's safe but he's hurting. Jace manages to push himself up with Clary's help. He sits at the edge of the bed where Alec is holding onto his son, Rafe. They are clutched in each other's arms as if they are the only people on the planet. The others are sitting around with concern, talking in hushed voices. It's strange but he tries to ignore it. All he can think about, all he should think about right now is what his _parabatai_ has been through.

"Clary, are you okay?" Jace manages through his confused pain. Though he is not in physical pain anymore, he can still feel everything that his brother felt over the last few years and it is absolutely terrifying.

"Yes," she says. "I'm fine. You don't look fine."

"I'm not. I need to talk to Alec."

"I'm okay, Jace," Alec says, reaching out one hand to him as he keeps a firm grip on his son. Jace takes his hand but then quickly winces and pulls away in shock. His hand. His fingers are bright red and swollen. Some of them are even turning purple. They are throbbing with pain. Why do they hurt so bad?

"They're broken," Jace says with realization.

"What?" Alec says. Rafe lets go of his father and sits back on his heels, looking between the two warriors. Alec takes his brothers hand carefully and sees the broken fingers.

"I did that," he says.

"Don't worry about it. You didn't mean to. We can heal it," Jace says in a tight voice. "But I need to talk to you."

Alec looks a little strange, as if he does not know why either of them need to talk about anything. He gives a little glare and then looks to the others.

"Thank you all for helping. I think you deserve a break," Alec says.

The others get the idea, though they are feeling suddenly very tired. Simon grabs onto Izzy's hand and takes her out of the room. Clary squeeze's Jace's shoulder before leaving the room with Rafe and carrying Max out.

"What about Magnus?" Jace asks, looking down at the unconscious man now without his son, his arms splayed in an awkward fashion and his face totally relaxed. His body is sinking into the bed and his head is tilted to the side. The moment his eyes open, he will see Alec, which makes Jace feel strange.

"He'll be okay. This happened last time. He just needs rest and he needs to heal," Alec says, pushing some of his lovers hair away from his face with a small smile that Jace thanks the angel for. Alec turns back, looking like some color has returned to his face. His eyes are back to their perfect blue and his hands are steady when they push himself back to sit up against the headboard.

"Are you okay, Jace?" he asks, concerned about someone else, which is almost funny to him.

"No. I didn't know how much I didn't know, Alec," he admits in total fear, not sure how he could possibly be so clueless about his _parabatai._ It terrifies him like nothing else. It even threatens their very strong bond that he thought was unbreakable.

"What happened? What do you mean?" Alec asks all at once.

"I saw every one of your worst fears. I felt all of them at once."

Alec takes a long breath in a sigh and reaches across the small space to take his brothers hand. He stops when he remembers that his fingers are broken. Instead of talking, he reaches down and takes out his stele, drawing an _iratze_ on his _parabatai_ easily. He focuses on it's healing powers as much as he can to be sure that his brother's pain ebbs away. After just a few seconds, Jace is the one breathing a sigh of relief. However, the pain is gone but the fear is not. The fear pushes on his chest just as hard as anything has ever hurt him before.

"Alec, when you thought you loved me romantically, I knew and I didn't care. I never thought any less of you. I was never worried about anything changing. I never knew how scared you were."

"Jace—" Alec starts. "That was a long time ago."

"Let me tell you all of this. I felt everything you felt. Listen to me. I never avoided changing in front of you because I didn't want you to think that I thought differently. I never thought differently of anything about you. I kept training with you because I trusted you. I always loved you and I always will. When you saw other boys and you wanted them, you should have talked to me. I never would have judged you, Alec. You could have told me anything and I would have been okay with it," he explains in fear.

"I always wanted what I couldn't have," Alec says in a dull but painful tone. Jace reaches across the space between them, putting his hand on his brothers.

"You couldn't tell me before how afraid you were of our father," Jace says. "But you can tell me now."

"It always seemed like nothing in comparison to your pain from your own father," Alec explains. Jace gives him a look but then Alec goes on. "But you're right. I was scared of him. I wanted to be everything he was proud of and somehow I knew that he suspected I was different. Even when he had the sex talk with me, I was disgusted and he laughed at me. He said I wouldn't be one day but…I always was. I always knew that what I wanted was different and dangerous."

"You are not dangerous, Alec," Jace assures. "I didn't know how afraid you were and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you then but no matter what you're feeling, I want you to always talk to me about it."

Alec gives a short smile.

"When Magnus left me, I thought that was it. When Dad hated me, I thought I could never be what he wanted. I thought that would always be you. The only thing I could trust was that Izzy knew, somehow she knew and she still loved me. That's why I never told you. I couldn't handle one more person looking at me like I was broken," he says.

"You are not broken. You are my brother," Jace says in a tone so sincere there are tears laced in it. He grasps his _parabatai's_ hand between him and closes the space. "I felt how much pain you were in just now. I felt your fear and I—"

"It's still with you," Alec says, squeezing his brother's shaking hand when he comes to the realization that Jace is still afraid, terrified even. The cocky blonde bites his lower lip and looks down, his face breaking.

"I had no idea. I'm so sorry, Alec," Jace says, his voice cracking all over. Alec grabs his brother and the two of them embrace in a long hug, holding each other tightly as the tears come. Neither of them say anything about the crying. They both need this moment away from everyone else. They both need to feel the pain that is all over their bodies without attempting to hide it until Alec looks up with tears on his smiling face and says, " _Entreat me not to leave thee_ …"

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	20. Alec's Pain 11

**Clary and Simon talk about what they saw before Clary finds Jace storming out. They have a moment while Magnus and Alec heal. Enjoy. Please review.**

 **Chapter Eleven.**

Clarissa Adele Fairchild was a very concerned woman. She could practically feel how scared Jace was earlier. He would never want to admit that to her, being that he had only ever cried once since she had known him and she wondered if he would have admitted it if she asked him. But right now, this fear was something else entirely. It was not fear for himself or for Clary but fear for something that he did not do, fear for something that he possibly could have prevented if he would have known better. Fear for not being there for the one person that he is connected to more than anyone else. There are ways that Alec and Jace know each other that no one else could because they are inside each other's souls. It felt like a failure or a betrayal to himself that he did not realize the pain that Alec had been in most of his life. From the moment Jace had met Alec, he had respected the warrior. He always knew Alec was different. That first night when Jace had snuck downstairs to clean up his wounds and hide them from the institute, Alec had only ever wanted to help. The first moment their hands met there was a moment of total silence where they both stared and knew that something was different. Something was just right. And Jace never had to be alone again. But he had not realized that he left Alec alone in so much.

That pain was clear on his face tonight. Clary noticed all of it and she could not help but think that she wished she could be a fly on the wall so that she could hear the conversation happening between Alec and Jace right now. Surely Alec will forgive him but perhaps they need to heal together and perhaps that conversation is not for her at all.

But that's okay because she needs a different kind of comfort today. She needs her own _parabatai_. Clary knows the bond as well as anyone and she can feel how intense it gets when something is truly wrong with Simon. When she was in that horrible position, feeling all of that pain, what she could really feel worse than anything was the pain of her _parabatai_. It was excruciating and deep, which made it all the worse for the both of them.

After Max was lain down on the couch and Izzy and Simon gave each other a quick embrace and spoke quietly for a few moments, it was Clary who rushed over to him and wrapped him in a hug. It was a long and quiet hug filled with a need that they both felt for a long time. It was so intense that their runes were practically glowing as they healed together.

"We're okay," Simon muttered into her red hair that smelled clean and fresh to him. It made him smile, having her so close once again. It was Clary who pulled away just a little so that she could see his face but kept her hands on his arms, never wanting to break that bond again.

"I saw you," Clary managed to get out. "You forgot everything. I was talking to you and I could feel our rune start to fade. I felt you falter away from me. I could feel you forgetting me deep inside my body. It was horrible. Then I looked down and our rune was gone and so were you. I couldn't feel any of it anymore."

"I'm here," Simon mutters, taking her back in his arms again. He wraps his arms around her small frame and holds her tight the way he has done his entire life. But this time it is for her comfort. He did not dream of anything that had to do with their rune. He is not afraid of losing her that way because he knows he never will. What he was afraid of was far more complex, but he did not want to talk about. It was long gone now and to him it was not even real.

"It's over. That would never happen. Our rune is safe," he assures. "And so are we."

This is when the concern hits Clary hard. She hears a door close and then Jace runs from it, emerging like he's on fire and running in the direction toward the door. Clary gives Simon a squeeze before she runs after Jace. She finds him standing outside of the apartment with his back against the far wall, staring down at his feet.

"Hey," Clary says in a soft tone. Jace looks aloof as he stares, his shoulders hunched and his hands clenched at his sides. "What's going on? Did something happen?"

"No," Jace says. "I just need a second."

"Okay," Clary says in a calm voice. She reaches over and squeezes his hand but he does not look up to meet her gaze. He stares down as if he is very far away in another realm and yet he is right here with her.

"Jace, talk to me," she begs.

He stands up straight and looks down at her gaze but it's too clear that he is angry. She doesn't understand it a bit so she leans toward him, resting her hand on his but he remains unsteady and clearly uncomfortable. She thought the fear would be over but it's still just as strong as the moment that spell began.

"I can't," he says. "I can't tell you what I saw that has me…freaking out."

"You can," Clary assures, squeezing his hand.

Instead of talking or trying to explain, Jace reaches across the space between them and grabs her in his arms. He wraps her up close and they hold each other for a long time. She nuzzles her neck in the space between them and brushes her soft lips against his skin. Jace's arms are shaking when they go around her, squeezing her and holding her close. It's clear that whatever Jace saw is still bothering him.

"Is this because of Alec?" she asks.

He shakes his head against her but does not make any effort to separate. She does not move from him. Instead, she kisses his neck again and brushes her hand over his shoulders a few times.

"Tell me," she begs again.

"Do you want to be with me forever?" Jace asks against his shoulder.

"Yes, of course I do."

"Then why did you say no?"

Clary pulls away when she realizes what he is talking about. The engagement. The question. When he asked her…the panic and the unknown feeling in her gut. The feeling of not being ready, of not knowing if she was supposed to be ready. She takes a long breath and then pulls away from him.

"Was that what yours was about?" Clary asks.

"Not being with you forever. You not choosing me," Jace says in a nod as they look at each other now. "Then there was that nasty bit with my father—Valentine and the whole thing with watching my _parabatai_ rune fade away. Then I received Max's death, which was fun. But yeah…mostly you."

"Jace, I will always choose you," she says with a sigh and reaches across the space between them to lock him in a long hug.

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	21. Alec's Pain 12

**Alec thanks everyone and bids them goodbye before he puts his kids to bed.**

 **Chapter Twelve.**

Rafael Santiago Lightwood Bane was a very content boy. He felt finally as if his life was going to go back to normal once again. Though he knew Papa was going to need a lot of rest and might even still be sick when he wakes up, at least he knows that Daddy will take care of him just like he always does and that maybe his Papa will be okay in the end. Now that Dad was alright again, everything could go back to normal because Dad always protected everyone. He was not worried about Max at all. Sometimes when he uses too much magic just playing around, he falls asleep like this. He is so out of control when it comes to his magic that Rafe is almost never worried about his brother. Max is so soundly asleep that his arm has been hanging off of the couch and his face was slack to one side.

Rafe had been sitting on the other side of the couch with his arms crossed over his chest, waiting for his dad to emerge from the back room. Uncle Jace just ran out of the room, which meant that of course Clary followed him and Simon remained back, staring at Rafe with an awkward expression. Just moments later, his dad finally came through into the living room looking tired and pale and weak. He is walking with great weight on both of his feet. He drug them along the floor as he walked, looking tired. He moved across the floor until he reached the couch. He sat down with a loud thud and leaned back against the backboard, staring across at his son.

"Come here," Rafe's dad begs. Rafe looks over at him, still wondering if he wants someone else more than him. He looks around the room and then points to himself. " _Por favor, Rafe."_

Rafe stands up and walks over to his Dad. He pushes himself up on his Dad's lap and curls up there, letting his head and hand fall to his chest, resting down on his body. Rafe hears a loud sigh of relief from his father as his arms wrap around his son easily and their bodies rest together.

" _Te adoro, Rafael,_ " Dad promises. He doesn't know much but he does know a few terms that are important.

"I love you too, Dad," Rafe says in a long sigh.

After a long moment of quiet, Jace and Clary walk back in together looking better. The color is back to their faces and their hands are no longer shaking. They walk over to the others, looking down at Alec. Uncle Jace looks a lot less like a ticking time bomb and a lot more like he needs a really long nap. It is very clear that the only reason he is still here is because his _parabatai_ rune is glowing. Clary is the only thing keeping him standing, which it is clear Uncle Jace is trying to hide.

"Before you go," Dad starts. "I want to thank you guys for being here. I know that it was hard and that you all hurt a lot and that you're probably tired by now but seriously, it means everything to me and to the kids that you were here to help us."

"Of course, Alec," Clary says. "You're family."

"We're always here for you, big brother," Izzy assures.

Uncle Jace walks over, looking particularly drained and tired and reaches out toward Alec. They interlock hands and squeeze hard, looking right into each other's eyes. There is a look there that passes in a strange, quick glance. It is something that clearly only the two of them understand and no one else in the room comes anywhere close to.

"I can feel pretty much everything you're feeling right now. So if you could keep it on the down low tonight, I'd appreciate it," Jace says. Rafe has absolutely no idea what he is talking about but Dad puts his hands on his ears for a brief moment. He does not hear what he says but he can bet that it was something not nice that Uncle Jace gives a quick laugh at.

"I'm here for you, for anything that you need. Call me, Alec. Seriously," Jace says, changing the tone.

"I will. I promise. I might take you up on that if Magnus is still like this tomorrow morning," Alec says.

Uncle Jace gives a nod and then walks back toward Clary, taking her hand as they walk out the door.

"Let us know if you need anything," Simon says before taking Izzy out with him.

"Thank you for coming," Alec says, surprised to see that Simon is still here. Alec lifts, more like pushes, Rafe from his lap so that he is standing up on the floor. Alec pushes himself to stand slowly and with effort before dragging his feet along the floor.

"Let's just go to bed, Rafe," Dad says and grabs his hand. "I would carry you but I don't think I can right now."

"That's okay, Dad," Rafe says in a tone that clearly relaxes his father. They take hands and walk back to his bedroom ordained in red satin and Indonesian curtains and patterns on the walls. It was something Papa whipped up two months ago. It has not changed since because he hasn't had the ability to use extra magic recently.

Once in his room, Rafe lays down on his bed with his Dad sitting by his side, holding his hand. Slowly but surely Rafe can feel the relaxation come over his entire body as his Dad presses his hand along his forehead and across his hair, down his arm and into his hand.

"I love you," Dad says. "You were very brave today. You were so strong. I know that you must have been afraid and hurt but you were brave. You're getting to be more and more like a shadowhunter everyday. You will be a great warrior one day because a great warrior has a great heart and knows when to use it."

"I was afraid for you, Daddy," he says. "I didn't want you to be hurt."

"And I will be fine. I will heal because of you. But you saw what happened to me. That is not uncommon. Nephlim get hurt. We hurt others when we have to and we get injured or captured. It gets hard but when we use our hearts _and_ our heads together, we can make great decisions. We can be strong and brave. We can be good Shadowhunters," Dad explains.

"But we have to be brave," he repeats.

"Yes and sometimes we get hurt."

"But we can help each other like I helped you today," Rafe says with a small smile, feeling good about himself.

"Yes. Definitely yes. I'm sure you're very tired. You should go to sleep, Rafe. I'll be back in my room with Papa if you need us. Don't be afraid to come in no matter what you need," Dad explains.

It is just moments before Rafe can feel his body relaxing and his eyes closing to the soothing feeling of his Dad resting his hands against his hair.

"Okay Dad," Rafe says just as he falls asleep.


	22. Alec's Pain 13

**Magnus wakes up for a few minutes. Alec and Magnus talk before Max wakes up, needing his parents and maybe Rafe too.**

 **Chapter Thirteen.**

Magnus Bane is a very caring man. He's so caring in fact that when he wakes from his very deep and tired slumber, he rolls his head to the side to attempt to ask his lover if he is okay. He remembers Alecs pain, his fear and all of the horror that comes with it. Magnus pushes himself up in a sitting position, attempting to get up when he realizes just how tired he really is. His body is so sore and broken that he can hardly sit up. He falls back against the pillows, giving himself a long moment to attempt to get up. He has to find Alec. He has to make sure he is okay and heal him if he is not okay. Just then the door opens and Alec comes in with a shocked expression on his face.

Alec rushes to the side of their bed and kneels down, putting his hands to his lovers and giving him the best smile he can muster. While he feels tired, like the fear is still deep down in his bones, he is relaxed, better now that his lover is awake and the worst is over. Magnus sits up for Alec though it is clear that it requires a lot of effort.

"How are you feeling?" Alec asks at the same time that Magnus asks, "Are you okay?"

They both give a small laugh and then look into each other's eyes for a long moment. It is a peaceful moment where they both realize that they have the answer to their questions in the others eyes. They can see each other like no one else. They stare deeply into the other until Alec lifts up to sit at the edge of the bed, never leaving their connection. Magnus's long fingers trail against his boyfriend's cheek and down his face.

"Is the fear still with you?" Magnus asks in a deep voice that makes it clear he is still afraid for his lover, even if Alec is not afraid himself.

"Just a little," Alec says.

"What can I do?" Magnus asks, feeling afraid again. Alec gives him a squeeze of the hand and then raises to his feet.

"Let's go to bed. I think we both need sleep."

"What about the kids?" Magnus asks.

"Max has been out since his magic depletion. He's okay but I put him to bed. Rafe is asleep too. They're both fine," Alec says as he slips out of his shirt and pants, laying down beside his lover. He reaches across the space between them to pull Magnus over. They lay together until Magnus has his hand on his lovers chest and they are holding each other closely together. Alec can still feel the slight tremble in his hands, remember the horror in his gut that buzzed all over his body.

"Tonight if something happens…if I see it in my sleep and I wake up, just wake me up. Okay?" Alec says in a tone that is some what uncomfortable. It's as if he doesn't really know how to explain what he is feeling anymore. After trying to hide everything from his family and then having everyone watch him when he was crying and writhing in pain, he really does not know what to think. He just wants everything he can think of to be as private and alone as possible.

"Okay my love," he assures. "I'll help you if you need it."

"No I meant—"

"I know what you meant and I know what I meant. I am going to help you," Magnus says with assurance, giving him a quick squeeze. "Are you sure you feel alright?"

"Well sort of."

Alec takes a long breath before deciding that maybe talking about it would not be the worst idea. After all, he had not talked about anything that he felt other than with Jace and really that was mostly Jace talking and Alec listening. Jace was so scared. He could feel so many problems inside of his _parabatai_ that he did not know existed. But after being together like that, it made them both feel better.

"Talk to me," Magnus begs, feeling more caring than ever.

"The kids…I know Rafe is a Shadowhunter and he'll train and I know I'd freak out if something ever happened to him. But he's a kid so I never really thought about what it would be like when he gets older and he has to fight. When I saw him like that it really scared me, Magnus," Alec gets out. "I also had no idea how much Jace knew and didn't know. But after we talked, it felt better."

"Rafe is still so young. That is not something you need to worry about now. He will be a great warrior one day but that will be because you give him great training. With Jace, Izzy, Clary, Simon and you all helping him to grow, he will be okay. We will help him, Alec," Magnus assures. "Right now, he's safe. Everyone is safe."

"Thanks to you," Alec says. "You put so much effort into this. You are so sick and tired but you helped me anyway. You made yourself sicker than you have been in a long time to help me."

"I feel okay," Magnus says.

"Do you?" Alec says, looking down at him. Magnus rests his hands on his lovers chest to look up at his gleaming face.

"I feel really tired," Magnus admits. "But I am okay."

"Let's sleep," Alec decides, reaching down to give Magnus a long, drawn out kiss before resting his head back on the pillow. It is just seconds before they are both asleep. It is just two hours before Alec is throwing Magnus off of him, sitting straight up with a shout of horror. The nightmares are vivid and come to him in long waves, shuttering Alec down to his deep core.

"Alexander," Magnus says, reaching out to throw his arms around his boyfriend. "What is it?"

"The kids. I need to see the kids." Alec rushes up in a panic, about to run out of the room when there is a knock on the door. Alec opens it without thinking to see Max standing with a blanket in one hand and his fist rubbing his other eye. He looks tired but also a little sad. In Alec's panicked state, he reaches down to grab his son and holds him in his arms. He hugs him tightly to his chest and brings him back to the bed. If this were any other day, Magnus would tell him that Max needs to go back to his own bed but tonight both of them want him close.

"Are you okay, Max?" Magnus asks as Alec sets him down between them.

"Okay, Papa," Max says and nuzzles into his Dad's arm, falling almost immediately back into slumber. Magnus reaches across them and squeezes his lovers shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"It was about them," Alec says. "I'm fine. They're fine. Just…" Alec gives a long breath, seeming like he can't get the words out. "Hold my hand."

Magnus does just that, petting down his lovers dark hair with his free hand as he slowly puts his boy to sleep.


	23. Alec's Pain 14

**Thanks for the great response guys. I made this super cool Monopoly board game with all Shadowhunters/Mortal Instruments items and characters. It's so fun!**

 **Anyway…Alec is still having trouble getting over the fear demon.**

 **Chapter Fourteen.**

Alexander Gideon Lightwood is a cautious young man. He has been cautious since he was young, first finding out that he had an inkling for boys when Izzy would catch him looking at her male posters in her room or even later when he found himself watching Jace. That was all in the past now but he still remains cautious in many ways. He still remains on edge when it comes to much of what he has been feeling this last day. Last night, he got almost no sleep at all. He was awoken by nightmare after nightmare. Eventually, he could not take it anymore and he came out to the couch to wait for the rest of his family to wake up. He hadn't been doing much. He had tried to read but it hurt his head so badly that he had to stop. He instead resorted to sitting on the couch and staring down at his large feet in nothing but his grey sweatpants. It was well past nine in the morning before the others got up.

Rafe was the first one to get up since he had been the least depleted after yesterday. He got up and came out with a small nod to his dad. He got some cereal and started eating right away, barely talking to Alec at all, which he did not think was odd. Rafe does not speak unless he really has something important to say. Otherwise, he is a kid of few words.

"Are you okay?" Alec asks.

Rafe gives a nod that lets him believe that his son is safe. It's over thirty minutes before Magnus is awake, walking over in nothing but his boxers and his robe to his lover. He leans down to kiss Alec on the forehead before sitting beside him, wrapping his arm around the tall man. The moment that Magnus has his arm around him, he tenses, trying to control the feeling in his chest that has been pushing on him.

"What's going on?" Magnus asks. Alec tries to muster up the best cautious smile that he can make out. He gives a very small nod toward his husband to try to make him understand that he might not be okay but he wants to be and he can be with time.

"Nothing," he says with a shake of his head. "Where's Max?"

"In the room. He's still asleep. I figured it best not to wake him given yesterdays turbulent events," Magnus offers with a flick of his fingers, flying blue magic sparks across the room.

"Probably," Alec agrees, grabbing Magnus's hand in a long squeeze. He leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, feeling Magnus beside him and his family around him. He thought that this would make him feel better. He thought that everything would go away if his family woke up and he was surrounded by them. But now he is with them and he feels just as scared as he did before. Magnus feels that shaking sense of unease surrounding the father of his children.

"Alexander," Magnus says, reaching across him to put his hand on his knee. He looks to his boyfriend but Alec does not open his eyes. His hands are shaking and his body is starting to feel very far away.

"Alec, what's wrong?" Magnus asks.

Alec shakes his head once more, unable to get the words out. Something is wrong. He is afraid. Terrified even. Alec hunches his body over, his head tucking between his knees as his long arms wrap around the back of his head. He is covered almost entirely by himself as his shoulders start to shake and Magnus realizes what is going on in some level.

"You're afraid," Magnus says. He reaches his hands across to Alec and uses the smallest amount of magic to feel that he still has some of that poison in his veins. "There is a bit of poison left. It's not much but it's enough that you're still feeling some of that fear, Alec. You need rest. You can sleep this off."

"I can't sleep, Magnus," Alec says into his knees. He can't manage to lift himself up, to look at his almost fiancé and tell him what is going on in his head. These last two days have been so dramatically terrible that he can't afford just one more embarrassing thing to happen to him. He can't handle it.

"My love," Magnus says, squeezing his hand a bit further. "You have to let me help you. I cannot use my magic but I can bring you to bed. I bet I can help you back to sleep again."

Alec shakes his head again, leaning it further down into his elbows as the fear gets worse. The fear starts to intensify in ways that he cannot describe. He bites his arm when he feels some fear coming onto him so strong that he can't hold back his noises. Magnus hears just the slightest whimper and grabs his lover around his shoulders, sharing some of their weight.

"Get Rafe out," Alec manages.

Magnus turns to his older son. All he has to do is give him a short nod in the direction of his bedroom for Rafe to get up with a quick eye roll and take his cereal bowl into his bedroom. Magnus wants to walk after him and tell him that everything is going to be fine but he doesn't want to leave Alec. He is so afraid.

"We have to get you into bed, Alexander. I think that will make you feel better," Magnus says again.

"No!" Alec shouts, shaking his head. He pushes Magnus off of him all at once and leans on the other side of the couch. He stares across at his lover unable to say anything.

"Alexander, what is going on?" Magnus asks.

Alec stutters over his words at first before he swallows, collecting himself and moving on to what he can get out of his jumbled brain.

"I don't know," Alec says. "I keep having these weird visions of people getting hurt. I don't want to be away from you but I'm afraid of being with you too."

"It's just the leftover poison. It will go away with time if you do not give into it," Magnus says.

Alec shakes his head and stands up, rushing out of the doors and out onto the balcony. He storms outside, slamming the doors closed behind him and then leaning across the brick wall with his elbows down. He tries to look down onto the streets below him but he can't think straight. All he can feel is pain and fear and confusion. Being near Magnus makes it feel better but being near him also makes him afraid that Magnus will feel that same fear too. He can't risk that.

"Alexander," Magnus says behind him. "I understand that you don't want me near you but you have to have someone. I am not just going to leave you alone."

"It has to be someone else," he says.

"Jace?"

"No!" Alec shouts. "He's too close to me. He can probably already feel this. It has to be someone that won't be able to share in my pain."

"Clary?" Magnus says, sounding confused but just trying to help his almost fiancé.

"Isabelle," Alec decides. "I need Izzy."


	24. Alec's Pain 15

**Izzy comes over to speak with Alec and make him feel better.**

 **Chapter Fifteen.**

Isabelle Sophia Lightwood is the best loving sister a man could ask for. She has always cared for her three brothers in every way that she could. She has always loved Alec best because they were the closest. The moment that Alec needed her help, she came running. In fact, she threw on her clothes, gave Simon a quick kiss on the lips and rushed from their bed and across New York to her brother's apartment that he shares with his family. She ran as fast as she could, using every rune that she possibly could. It was a little painful to run that much right after she was drained of all efforts and was incredibly tired.

Finally, Izzy came to the apartment and rushed inside. Magnus started speaking furiously the moment that she entered, ushering the other two boys out of the room and back to their bedroom where they could play. She did notice that they both look much better than they did yesterday. Though Magnus is not even out of his robe from last night, there is color on his face. He just appears afraid for Alec and tired, so tired.

"He just said that he needed you. He said he's still afraid and he doesn't want any of us near him," Magnus says.

"What about Jace?" Izzy asks.

"No. He doesn't want anyone but you," Magnus says. For a small fraction of a second, that makes Izzy feel really good. That makes Izzy feel strong and happy. She is close with her brother but when he chooses her over his entire family, including his _parabatai_ , it makes her feel very important.

Izzy rushes out of the room and onto the balcony where she finds Alec facing the roads with his elbows on the brick wall. Izzy thinks of something to say to soothe her brother when she hears him take a long breath and hold it. He knows that she is here and he doesn't want her know how much pain he is in. Alec leans down, putting more of his weight onto the brick wall when his head finally collapses onto his arms.

"Alec?" Izzy says.

He does not respond. It's almost as if he is waiting for her to make a move. He cannot make his body move to her no matter how badly he craves gentle, happy touch. He stays right where he is, waiting for her. Quickly, Izzy realizes what she has to do and closes the space between them. She wraps her arms around his waist from the side, resting her head on his back. She allows her raven hair to drape across him as she releases her body weight to him, sharing in his burden. It is just one long moment before she can feel him giving in.

The first thing he does is reach across the pair of them and hold onto her hand. He grazes her fingertips and then takes her hand into his, interlocking their fingers. He sniffles but stays quiet as she squeezes his hand. It is a few more moments before Alec makes himself stand up and look at his sister. His lips quiver the way that they do before he cries. His mouth parts and his eyes start to water, his face contorting into pain.

"Alec," Izzy says, feeling a bubble well up around her heart. All she wants to do is reach across them both and grab him in a hug, never let him go. That is the only thing she can think to do at a time like this.

"Izzy," he gets out. It is all he can manage and all the permission she needs to hug him. Her short and thin arms go around his waist as his longer ones envelop her completely. She rests her head on his chests where he leans his head down to rest on the top of hers, smelling her sweet scent. He takes all of her in, allowing her to hold him though he is the bigger one of the two. He even allows himself to lean on her just the slightest. It is enough to make him feel safer.

"What's going on?" Isabelle asks after Alec has had a few moments to regain himself. He shakes his head on hers, never letting his arms from around her body or his head from atop of hers. Instead, he keeps her as close as he can muster.

"When I woke up this morning the pain came back," he gets out.

"And? Why did you push Magnus away?"

A pang of guilt and fear hit Alec then as he remembers what he did. He grips his sister tightly, pulling her away as he tries to get back inside. Izzy panics and grabs him, pulling him back to her with frantic movements.

"No! No! Alec, it's okay," she says. "Magnus is not upset. I just wanted to know why you wanted me and not the others."

This seems to settle him for a moment. He keeps his arms on hers and then after a while lets her rest herself back on him. She can feel the rapid beat of his heart against her chest so she starts rubbing circles on his back, trying to soothe him once more.

"I just…Jace is so broken right now," Alec says, not bothering to hide the crack in his voice at the end. He has not cried yet today but he has been on the brink every five minutes. "Magnus can't help me. He needs rest and healing. The kids can't know. I just…I really needed my sister."

Izzy sighs into his shirt.

"I'm here, big brother," she promises. "I'm always here for you."

Alec grips her tighter into a hug, holding her to his chest and leaning his head down onto her once more. He takes in her scent and her warmth all at once and lets that comfort fall over him.

"Can you stay for a while today?" Alec asks.

When Izzy doesn't answer right away, he changes his tone and wording.

"I need you to stay," he says.

"Of course," she agrees. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, Alec."

She feels his arms start to shake around her and she grabs onto him a little tighter than before. The shaking doesn't stop so she pulls away enough to see that fearful expression from yesterday return to his face.

"This is what has been happening," he says. "I keep getting these sudden urges of pain where I think I'm hurting someone."

"Who?" Izzy asks.

Alec shakes his head, leaning his body down as if to crawl into a ball. Izzy recognizes this behavior and grabs onto his arms, holding him up as best as she can. She wishes that she could reach down and activate her strength rune with her stele but decides not to try for it and scare Alec further. She uses everything she has to hold her brother up while his head falls all the way down to her shoulder. It's an odd position but one that gives him a mild amount of comfort.

"Who is it?" Izzy asks again.

"Max."

"Max is fine," Izzy says. "He's inside playing with Rafe and Magnus. He's perfectly fine. He's healed from yesterday and everything."

"No. No. Our brother," Alec gets out.

"Oh, Alec," Izzy says, unable to get the rest of the words out. There is nothing more that she can say about him. She wished she could have saved him but that's all.

"I wish I could've helped you," Alec says. "I wish I could've saved him."

"Me too. But there's nothing we could have done," she says. "It's over now."

Alec's tears remain locked behind a padded door as he reaches his arms around his sister. Their hug deepens as their grip strengthens and for a moment she is afraid that he is going to hurt her. But that moment passes quickly. There is a tightness that is unbearable right before he breaks and the tears come.

"That demon made me relive everything," he says.

"I know," she says.

"Izzy," Alec mumbles. "I love you."

"I love you too, big brother. We're gonna get you through this."


End file.
